oh the things i get excited about these days!  'andrew, shes asking for more beans!  she says they are yummy!!'  yes my soon to be 21 month old is enjoying her pinto beans made in the style of the French, and i couldn't be happier.  i immediately think about how i can incorporate more beans into our menu; would she eat a few at lunch?  maybe a little afternoon snack?  too much to give her some at breakfast?  yes, i know i get ahead of myself when it comes to food.  my past entries will tell you that much, at least.

speaking of past entries, there has been a startling lack of them for far too long.  i wish i could write the way i used to, purely for myself (definitely mostly for myself) and i remember how the words came pretty easily.  i know i had a lot of inspiration back then - inner turmoil, changing circumstances, beautiful surroundings.  as well as discovering my love of creating food.  (came back to food already?)

that's not to say i am without inspiration now!  no, not that at all.  especially since imogen has arrived in our little world.  she is a topic i could never exhaust, nor would i want to.  its merely finding, well... finding my voice again.

now this evening, when i take imogen to check on our plants - a little herb garden i started recently - i'm sure i will yet again marvel at her excitement to learn and see new things.  her sharp intake of breath when she hears a bird, her head cocked and eyes searching for it.  her squeal of 'momm-ee' in the tone of 'mommy, how could you not have told me about birds/herbs/cement before?'

her smile and her eyes looking into mine.

i don't need to be inspired.  i just merely need to be here, with her.

it was just a reminder.  but it opened my mind to who i was, and what i had gone through. 

this time, it was wonderful to remember.  and now, i hope to record new things.  new thoughts, new emotions.

its been a whirlwind eight months.  i hope i can recapture some of those moments.   just for myself.  since im sure my, maybe 6?, readers, have moved on.

comet and mars

the telescope sitting in the narrow hallway of the apartment complex didnt exactly look like it belonged. it was placed in the only viewing spot available and mars, the object he was trying to locate was positioned conviently between the rooftops. dad had taken a few trips to bring out peices of the telescope, lens and rods, and carefully put it together. i followed him as he brought out the chair and towel. sitting down, he bent to bring mars into sight. my eyes rose to see the planet glittering despite the lighting of the parking lot. dad draped a towel over his head and put his eye to the lense. in a few minutes, he would let me to have a look. i squinted to make out the details he described and asked questions. he used his hands to mime where i should look for the shading that seemed to quarter the planet. i looked again, and every few seconds he brought mars back into the center of my view.

probably still in the rafters of our old garage, lies the telescope my dad built when he was a teenager. it was an almost mythical thing to us when we were kids, something we looked at and told stories about to our friends, but never touched. none of us could remember it in use, or if we did, the memory was foggy or vague. still, dad showed us what he could without using a telescope; pointing out planets or stars and telling us their names, helping us to locate certain constellations and getting us outside for especially strong meteor showers. the telescope never came down from its place in the beams, but we longed to share our father's awe of everything celestial, staring hard to find whatever it was that captured his gaze so intently. that captured him so...

i had another memory tonight, one of being woken from sleep to see halley's comet. like other memories i have of childhood, its fuzzy. often im unsure whether these sort of recollections actually happened or if ive created a picture and held in my mind all these years. i mention it to dad tonight and he tells me as he remembered it that night. and its silly! its silly to be upset that he did not remember me there, he did not remember waking me for that sparkling display. in my memory i was there, even if in his, there was only my older sister.

so maybe i didnt see halleys comet. i have to wonder.. who has it right? did i merely wish so badly to have been there, i made melissa's memory my own? or am i the one who has it right? was i there but simply not remembered?

but...i still have the memory, fuzzy and vague, of dad calling us to get up and see, come quickly to see halley's comet cross the sky. i was excited to be awake at this hour and the night air cool was on my skin. it was so easy to spot; there was no need for dad to even point. we exclaimed over how beautiful it was, until we were made silent with awe. we stood in the grass close to the gravel drive, watching, and then dad said it was time to go back to bed. i reluctantly dragged my feet over the dew soaked grass and dreamed of faraway lights glowing in a deep dark sky.

im a little rusty at this, so i dredged up a drafted post from 11/2005 and finished it. it was harder than i thought, which is why, perhaps, it was in the draft this long.

we arrived home from our honeymoon in apalachicola this past sunday. it was a great week, very relaxing, with no appointments to keep but the ones we made for ourselves: eat at the owl cafe again on saturday night, see the sunset over st. george's, pick up some of that coconut cream pie we saw those ladies eating, go back to that one store and buy that box i saw, etc. the weather was slightly cooler than at home, and because everything was within walking distance, we had daily strolls around the neighborhood that were quite pleasant. we shopped for a small amount of groceries (really only beer and chocolate) at the local piggly wiggly and visited nearly every boutique, shop, and antique store in town. we may have come close to trying all the restaurants too, which is harder than it sounds. the oysters are well known in apalachicola and so we had them in a stew and later fried, in an oyster po' boy. we dined on scallops and tilapia and shrimp and pizza and even mexican.

the b&b we stayed at did their best to please us, loaning us beach towels, chairs and umbrellas. breakfast was a nice occasion and the coffee was excellent. every morning we speculated on what we might have to eat. would it be strata? or perhaps a poached egg? was peggy or estella on duty in the kitchen? could we eat enough to tide us over until dinner? these were important questions.

our room was beautiful, but had a slightly slanted floor, as most older homes do, and i have a pair of matching bruises on both thighs to show for it, since i tended to walk into the bedposts. there was a jacuzzi tub which took some effort to get going, but once it started, was very nice. of course i used the shampoo provided in an attempt to make a bubble bath, but my efforts fell flat. soaking in a tub like that, even without bubbles, does wonders for your mood. the small refrigerator held our few leftovers and beer and the ice cream i tried to save. oh, and there was cable, which is always nice when one desires not to think.

the drive there had been hard, because of torrential rains and fussy windshield wipers, so it took us longer than it should have. on the way home, we took a more direct route and saw parts of florida we had not been to, and saved some time, too.

now that we are back however, its time for new appointments: social security, the DMV and loads more paperwork to begin.

i cant help but wish we were back in apalachicola or st. george's again, even if it meant dealing with steve the seagull.

i miss the way posts used to come so easy to me. right now, im waiting for my tomato sauce to thicken and my pizza dough to rise. its nearly sundown, a time which i love and doesn't seem to last long enough. today was a little more productive than recent days, and im feeling slightly happier at having a little taste of news about our petition to bring andrew here. slightly happier, yes, but still agonizing over this wait.

its amazing what you can learn from old diaries. i went to the loft in search of a notebook in which i could organize all this immigration stuff that is looming over my head and instead i found the bin holding my old journals. lets just say i had a key to important abbrieviations like: HD = hot dogs, es = legs, and TGIF = well, we all know that one.

this diary began when i was 11 and you could tell i wasn't always keen to write an entry. the entire months of May and June were "the same". i also had a best friend who i wrote about a lot, periodically loving and hating her.

there is one last entry with my handwriting looking slightly more grown up, telling of my upcoming entry to high school and the beginning of my time with braces. i imagine things only got better from that point.

okay, okay, so i couldnt just leave it like that. his name is andrew and he lives in london at the moment. we have been engaged now for, let's see, 6 months and we are currently going to through the immigration process. by process i mean we have submitted loads of forms for andrew to come here and marry me, and now we are waiting to get approval for the the next step.

be prepared to hear a lot about that.

something new

this isn't exactly how i envisioned my home office area: a slightly larger than average side table functioning as a desk, the backside of my PC tower as close to the window as possible and a directors chair as my place to sit. but, still i find it very nice and satisfying. if i feel comfortable, indeed, motivated to blog, then i think this little set up will work out quite nicely.

its been awhile, i know. and i'm thinking, most likely, there will not be any readers for this post. chris long ago gave up checking this blog at work when bored, and andrew, although he insists he checks it everyday, probably doesn't.

okay, he probably does. i could hear him protesting in my mind.

i've often wondered why i had given up posting for so long. i still compose thoughts into blogs in my mind, little things here and there that i find interesting. in a way, i think i lost my muse when i moved. the house, the cats (together anyway), the birds, the town. all those things made up most of my posts over the last 2 years. i just don't see that same character here. plus, i'm realizing now as i sit in my quiet apartment, being alone helps. bear doesn't count as company, in this instance.

then i suppose, i am busier here. family to see and be with, helping my parents with things, just over all, more involved. in m-town, i was content not to be seen by others much, happy to be at home, cooking, baking, working in the yard...

today, however, there is a change in the air. it is not the same place, to be sure. but i can hear the birds, even if i cant see them. i can sit here with a cup of coffee and enjoy the breeze, not on the porch, but with all the windows open in my new apartment. and now, i have something to write about again.

i'm getting married, and to an englishman, to boot!

i love the feel of garlic cloves in my hand. i love the sight of rain clouds above my head and the feel of the wind picking and clutching my hair. i love the scent of food cooking, and knowing what i did to create it. i love the sound of my nephew laughing in wild abandon and realizing i am, too.

i love that my heart no longer feels hollow and there is no fear.