it took me awhile, but i recognize the signs.

everyday is like sunday. everyday is silent and grey.

is that what im really doing, just waiting?

"i wont say do not weep, for not all tears are evil."

"weep for them," he whispered. "ye canna hold a ghost at bay."
"i can't. i'm afraid," i said, but i was already shaking with grief, tears wet on my face. "i can't!"
and yet i did. gave up the struggle and opened myself, to memory and sorrow. sobbed as though my heart would break - and let it break, for them, and all i could not save.
"let them come, and grieve them, claire," he whispered. "and when they've gone, i'll take ye home."

- a breath of snow and ashes, diana gabaldon

the air was still, until it began to turn into a somber grey dawn. now the small birds in the shrubbery are chirping their good-mornings to each other while larger bird are calling out from the trees, stretching their lungs. its hard to make out the colors just yet; the grass is a strange mixture of grey and brown and the trees merely towering shapes in the early light. the roses take on a blue shade underneath the pink, and the leaves look silver.

i set straight the flower pots that were a casualty from last nights raid on the garbage can. despite my best efforts to secure the lid, that raccoon still got some trash to enjoy, though from the looks of it, tissue and a banana peel, it seems more likely he pulled it out just to spite me for not making it easy. ive seen this raccoon, or one of them, as the case may be, and hes a bold fellow (seems to be a characteristic of his family, i suppose). he is curious about the kittens, who sit there staring at him, wondering if he is their larger cousin, someone they could play with, or something they should be afraid of. i placed a bb gun by the back door, doubting ill ever use it.

im going to clean the assembly hall before this weekend's two-day session.

probably not the best movie to watch on a stormy night. i didnt think that there were trees close enough to the house to rub against the windows, but i hear them trying to get in.

the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

here was my plan: take advantage of the still burning fire, not have to worry about dinner and read a little bit by the firelight before the sun went down. within a minute, however, i lost one of my two hotdogs to the flames, and i realized that the rain was picking up. resigned, i covered my book with my raincoat and focused on the last hotdog. i ate it under the canopy of trees that was the best drip-blocker, although a few downright icy ones found their way to my neck.

the new fire pit is just about to the edge of the property line (about 80 feet, counted goonies-style) and far enough that you wonder if you are walking into a black abyss - that is, when you forget the flashlight. we were burning to get rid of the huge amount of trees and limbs that were left over from last year's hurricane season. i think it must have been a drop-off zone for the entire neighborhood; seriously, we burned for hours and are no closer to being finished. there are a lot of cedar logs, about 20, and not all of them are rotten. maybe i could get creative with an axe? maybe i could cut off a leg or two. either way, the cedar smells nice when burning.

and now, after a much needed bath, wuthering heights. ralph fiennes. mm.

i think about the time i kicked a boy 'til he cried

i've been wondering lately just whose going to save me

the hallway... this leads to my bedroom. dont look too closely. that room is always a mess. behind me is the other bedroom. those frames were recently filled and hung up very carefully. coming soon - more frames with more pictures!















oooh, the secret staircase! in truth, these stairs (from the dining room) lead to a scary attic, where wasps hold domain and floorboards trip the unwary. that part of the house is under perpetual construction.















the hallway is off the dining room and straight ahead is the bathroom. you can see how some of the walls are not level, despite my excellent photography. the house was built in 1926 by chekoslovakia immigrants. we actually met the grandson of the builder; he had driven up to show his own grown grand kids the house. he told us where his great-uncle was buried. fortunately, it was not under the house, but in the cemetary a few blocks away.

a few of you, dear readers, have requested to see the place i call home. okay, no one really did. i thought i would show you anyway. this is the bare, but clean, dining room (there is blue tape around some of the borders in preparation for painting the trim). puppy is looking towards the kitchen, as she always does. my parents brought the table from el salvador; they were helping where the need was great for a short time just after they were married. that pitcher has some holly berries in it from a tree outside. i cant keep them there for long, since bear loves to chew on any plant material. he craves it.


this is the other side of the same room. i love that little desk; it is home to many notecards. the easel is set up for me to try painting. notice im starting out small. the pail is full of yesterday's brew. the wine rack is nearly full, thanks to my bro-in-law's wine making. the chest is my make-shift linen closet (i got it at a killer price from my sister, who also got it at a killer price from a yard sale.) the gray piece is a fossil, some ancient sea-dwelling creatures.








this is the view looking into the kitchen. we will save the kitchen photos until ive gotten a chance to do the dishes.

there is nothing quite like the smell of boiling hops drifting through the crisp, fall air while you work in the garden. i planted the tulips, hopefully in a spot where they will grow straight and tall, reaching for the sun. i trimmed the small ficus tree that is right outside my bedroom window, the one that looks to be grafted onto an old tree stump. i wonder about that stump - it is so huge; three people could probably stand on it comfortably. it was definitely not a ficus, but maybe an old friend to the cedars that fringe the border of the yard? oaks will get that massive, though something about the bark is different than your typical fl oak tree. there are two sprawling lantana bushes that have also prospered next to the stump, spreading their viney stems as far as they can go. no matter how much i cut away, they tower over the ficus and are still wider than i am tall. i like having them there, though; i am used to the shadow they cast inside my room at night.

anyone for some home brew?

was that it? was that the jupiter show?

whenever i feel like i should insist i'm right about something, little alarm bells go off in my head. too many times, i am confident i'm right, when in fact, i'm completely, utterly wrong.

not so this last weekend, though, twice within hours.

no, its not a satelite, it IS venus. (proved right by my dad, the star genius)
and yes, we were supposed to make a left, not a right. (proved right by the extremely long walk in the wrong direction)

i listened to the alarm bells and didnt even say i told you so. uhm, except for now, in this post. :)

if you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you see devils tearing your life away.

but, if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

"out, out, brief candle!
life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard no more. it is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing."

Macbeth

a body farm in iowa!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10246410

plastic castles

i wish i was a goldfish.

you say the coast is clear, but you say that all the time

i cant help but wonder where this sudden urge to organize is coming from. i tell myself its good to do, especially in order to make moving easier and give myself more room to move about in my closet. ive dug out old shoeboxes stuffed with junk and even the wooden crate from the top shelf, the one full of toys. usually, i look through everything, reminiscing and then end up placing it all back in its compartments and putting it away until the next time. i'm ruthless this time, however, and i've been throwing out things left and right. one pile for goodwill, one for the trash, one for so-and-so...

there is no joy in this.

i found a box of photos in the spare rooms closet. i grabbed it, wondering how i had missed such a big box when organizing the rest into photo albums. after the first picture, though, i realized they weren't my photos.

perhaps it was looking through those photos that put me in a melancholy mood. but looking at the frames i filled, with old family and friends, sadness still overtakes me.

i suppose admitting it is a good first step - i am a stationery junkie. i have every office supply item you could think of and more note cards than i care to admit, spanning the decades (and styles) since i have been able to write. i once had more pen-pals than you could shake a stick at and with twenty plus cousins on both sides of my family, no lack of persons to write to. though i still sit down and compose letters by hand, i simply cannot send enough letters to diminish my stock of stationery paper, note cards and decorative envelopes. i merely get a bigger box in which to hold them. momentary memory lapses increase my chances of buying a new carton of cards whenever i happen to see them at the store.

then there is the matter of other products found generally in the workplace. of course, leaving my job like i did, with the go ahead to take whatever your heart desired in the way of staplers, report covers and hole punches, was really like offering a crack addict more crack*. (hey, but maybe this would be the last time i needed a fix. maybe i would feel so good about what i accomplished with these office supplies that i could kick the habit. not likely.)

so please let me know if you need a certain item for a school or home project you are working on. i most likely have it.

*this is a general statement about the effects of addiction. i do not proclaim to know what it is like to be addicted to crack.

so, theres this book that i have been reading. its a slower read, since its a sociological history of florida (interesting, but not enough for me to zip through it). i checked it out previously at the hillsborough library and then again through kristian's library card here in hernando county. i planned to renew it before my trip to iowa, but strangely when i looked online, the library has no record of the book on kristian's record.

its as if it never existed.

steph is great

i distinctly recognize mike's laugh on the short film i just found on the camera. me and a gutter ball. of course, he would be recording the one time i do badly. hehe

is it going to rain today? despite my best efforts, i slept in this morning, only getting up when bear harrassed me enough with his cold nose and ticklish whiskers. it seems overcast and muggy, but still the birds are out, chirping and looking for food, while enthralling puppy at the same time, who's watching from the window sill.

i do have a small list of things to do today, but i only want to sleep.

i also have a few hats hanging here

do all of my posts have to have meaning?
***
bear is sitting in a cardboard box of old memories i left on the couch, sleeping contentedly. i decided to look through the box, still packed tightly 6 months after moving in, when i discovered it in my newly re-arranged closet. even though the practical side of my brain told me not to worry about unpacking it, since i will most likely be moving again within a few months, i couldnt resist a look. turns out, there is a lot of junk in this box - stuff i filed that ill never need (and truly, is not really filed since its not in a filing cabinet), a few reams of printer paper for the printer that i do NOT own, and several large envelopes filled with various sentimental items ive saved over the years. there was some merit in going through this hodgepodge, however. i found some pictures of my first trip to norway that made me laugh. deb and thomas trying hard to look tough but mostly coming off emotional, the 4 pictures the photo booth took of the four of us - where were we? germany? i cant tell, the clothes were mostly the same, regardless of where we were - and the pic of me, hair soaked (the little bit i had back then), just pulling my head out of the icy stream filip told me would be refreshing. refreshing, indeed.
***
i am having that same feeling again, glad to be home, but sad to be alone.

this morning the four of us lingered over coffee and tofu scramble (don't ask) and talked about my trip and andrew's apartment hunt. he had marked important locations on google earth - the kingdom hall, work and whole foods (his one-stop, albeit expensive, shopping). he plans to purchase a bike and cycle to work. im excited for him; i remember how it was to search for an apartment and even more how it felt to be leaving the house for the first time. i cant help but feel a tinge of worry for him, though, and do my best to suppress my concerns. he is, afterall, nearly 22 years old, just about the exact age i was when i left home. mike said over subway this past week that moving out on your own is one of the best things you can do for yourself and i have to agree with him. still, i worry. maybe i should move to winter park too, to keep an eye on him. hehe.

in a bit, i'll be meeting kristian at ft. wilderness. i think he brought his moped, but more than likely, i'll be walking in to find the campsite (though he said its far from the entrance, i feel i could use the walking after sitting in various forms of transportation for hours on end yesterday). i hear there are a lot of jws from the old gang there this year, and my parents are helping one couple get into disney tomorrow, along with their little girl. i havent kept in touch at all with these witnesses, seeing them only every few years at the summer conventions. its not really out of spite, just for lack of ... friendship? kinship? i dont really feel like i truly knew any of them. i just hope i dont run into my childhood best friend. that would be more than i could stand.

i am home! the weather is barely 70 degrees and im back to a familar bed.

the artic breezes in TN are nothing compared to what i have experienced in the last 2 days here in IA. it warmed up today and the snow on the deck melted enough for me to walk without much apprehension (though i still dig in my treadless shoes just in case). the bushes by the front deck are frosted with snow, enough to look like little cupcakes and everywhere the cornfields are covered with white, with only a little bit of green showing through.

im having a great time, really. as far as details, i think i should wait on that; there are major changes from one day to the next.

going to read now

do something that frightens you just a bit

almost packed. i have a perpetual suitcase these days.
thomas wrote. its good to hear his voice, even if its in my head.
my carry-on is heavy because of 'breath of snow and ash'. i cant help it. for some reason, i believe ill be okay no matter where i am as long as i have a book with me. i suppose i dont mean just any book. afterall, this is claire and jamie.

what does it mean when the tip of your nose tingles?

i have lost my sense of time. miraculously, and without any electronic aid, i woke up at 7 am this morning. when i judged the light while snuggling in the comforter, i thought it to be around 8 am, which i guess is a pretty good guess, since we just ended daylight savings time. even though i have over 2 hours until i meet for service, its good that i am up now. tomorrow is the first day of our 2 day yard sale and i will have to be up and have a cup of coffee in me by this time. whenever im up before eight since work ended, i have a strange feeling that i should be getting ready to go somewhere. granted, ive only been up this early, say 4 times since i was severanced. you could say sleeping in helps me avoid strange feelings.

puppy's other eye was bothering her yesterday and now its looking a little clouded. she seems okay, eating with her usual gusto and following me in the bathroom to rub her hellos on my legs. but im worried; last week it was her other eye that was bothering her. if its an infection, it must not have completely gone away and has passed to her other eye. from what ive read, there is not a whole lot you can do for severe eye trouble in a cat, at least severe enough to cause cloudiness. deb's kitten had trauma to its eye and though hes tremendously improved, his eye will probably never be the same.

this afternoon im hitching a ride down to tampa for a hair appointment. will i have hair when i return? stay tuned to find out.

when a headache makes you take caffeine-loaded excedrin at 10 pm, something is wrong. so here i am, looking at this blog that ive mostly ignored for the last few months, and thinking perhaps its time to shut down for good. the blog, i mean. as for me shutting down, well, that will come in due time.
***
i wish i had brought 'a breath of snow and ash', the latest installment in diana gabaldon's totally absorbing series. but noooo, i had to leave it on my shelf, tempting me from afar, until i finished this other book i'd been working on. not sure why i didnt put the 100 page rule into play on that one; i really lost desire to read it after the first few chapters. and now im stuck with a lingering headache and a wired and restless body - and no book. plus, im in orlando, thus the difficulty in retrieving it.
***
ive come to realize that my life is a dead-end these days. i serve no meaningful purpose.
***
i know a cat named jack, who has one of his back legs permanently out of socket. he was taken in by a friend when she found him mewing outside her office; such a sad little kitten. she offered him to me, but at the time, i was an apartment dweller and could not accept. hes grown now, still walks funny, but can hop and jump as well as the other cat in his house. i think that cat is special. however, i now have a cat of my own, named bear (lion might have been a more apt name, since he walks around like hes king of the jungle that is my living room). im amazed that i havent posted pictures of them (i also foster another cat, puppy) yet. remind me to do so when i return home (yes, i can tell you are eagerly awaiting them!) bear is absolutely the most loving cat i have ever owned, and trust me, over the years growing up, we have had plenty of cats - how many was it, deb? but bear wasnt always that way. when my co-worker brought him to me, his kids had named him "hissy-fits" because he (obviously) hissed and spat whenever someone tried to touch him. i despaired that first week, because nothing i tried would warm him up to me, no tactics could abate his anger at being swept out from under the brush, the last one of his brood to be rescued (or captured, as he might see it). after 3 or 4 days of living with him, he tried to approach me on the couch; curiosity was something he rarely showed unless he was trying to swat at you. i probably recoiled a bit and i definitely remember putting the small pillow (a huge obstacle for a tiny kitten) in between him and me, regarding him with more than a little apprehension. was he trying to get close in order to bite me? here he was trying to make contact, and i was afraid him, afraid of this half-pound, black and fuzzy furball. nevertheless, deb made a breakthrough with him and ever since, he has been the ultimate lap kitty. he actually cuddles. if hes not close enough, he will lean, lay, drape or squeeze through small spaces to do so. and so i love my cat bear. and i believe hes in love with me, too. at least, thats what he tells me.
***
aha! ill put on some old little rascals. i mean, the gang with wheezer and stymie. bad sign to have a headache this late, even worse sign to want to fall asleep to the tv.

back home. unpacking has become my doom.

chilly today, but these socks help a lot. going to make dinner tonight. i suppose i miss cooking too... when you are visiting someone else, suddenly you arent the one making the dinner decisions. not that em and chris wouldnt have let me cook before now... so i guess ive been lazy in that regard too.

the pile of goods acquired on this trip are stacked near the door leading to the driveway and it grows ever larger. one more store to go to and ill be set.

gotta get to the store.

on trips...

its partly good and partly bad that im up here in TN, when FL is experiencing wilma. my parents got home just in time for her outlying wrath, but are doing okay. im here, freezing in the artic breezes of TN. this morning it was a mere 46. robbie, is iowa colder than that? if so, it might be risky for me to visit, since my blood might turn to crystals.

i am having a great time here, though. spending time with my sister, chris and zeph has been a lot of fun. plus, my cousin was beautiful at her wedding and her husband really seems to be a nice guy. the family really loves him, too. my youngest cousins suckered me out of some change when they walked around selling "souvenirs", which were really just napkins with the bride and groom's names on it. such busy little entreprenuers.

but as in all visits, i miss my bed and my cats. there are still more trips on the horizon - IA and CA, potentially. though, people, i should really get serious about finding a job, dont you think? perhaps when i get tired of being a guest.

summer of the nephews

and so, here i am again, on the verge of another trip and again, just completely ignoring my to-do list. well, not totally - i did get together some pc games i would like to have in case chris tries to make me do chores. i leave in 2 days for TN, the 2nd part of a 2-part caravan heading north. i hope to catch the leaves changing; robbie says they have already started in iowa so i might be just in time for TN. im going to be an aunt again and because of the little "bean", my sister has been very tired. so i hope not to be a burden, but to take zeph off her hands, at least enough for her to get more sleep in the morning.

today the weather is breezy and mild, and only feels like 86. i have the windows open to disperse the paint smell from yesterday. of course, these walls are half finished and tomorrow looks to be another day full of rollers and paint trays and squinting eyes, trying to make a straight line without painters tape. already though, the transformation is dramatic. the color, flax, can look olive in some light, and grey in others. it compliments my electic style very well.

i have a style?

ill write more when im bored of "packing".

compositions of a young girl

i suppose i havent had too many interesting things to post in the last month, since the only thing i have posted was an exerpt of something i didnt even write. however, i came across an old school composition book of mine, with my name and the date of september 9, 1986, carefully penciled on the cover. this is the first "story" the book opened to. keep in mind, i filled in some words that i surely meant to include, words like 'and' and 'of' and i also corrected some mispellings. but it made me smile to read it and if anyone remembers V32, let me know. i have a feeling it was sort of like a poor man's MTV.

uninvited guest

it was 12 o'clock midnight and a full moon. i was watching V32. they were showing michael jackson's video thriller. all of a sudden, michael jumped out of the tv. so did the dead people.

i ran up the stairs into my room. they followed me.

i jumped out the window, the spooks followed. i thought this was a job for ghostbusters. i went to my neighbors and called them. lynn, my neighbor, asked why i couldnt use my phone. for an answer, i pulled one of her curlers out. they came and that was the end of them. and me too, because i died of fright, but i still watch V32.

the end

'the greenlanders'

"now he and the servingman looked frantically among the birch and willow scrub and paused from time to time to listen for cries or moans, but at first they saw nothing and heard nothing. soon enough, they had a view of the fjord, where white icebergs floated silently in the dark water, and then they had a view of the remains of Ketil's Stead, and still they saw nothing, and Gunnar was tempted to have hope, and he sent the servingman back to Gunnar's Stead to see if Margret had returned. but, indeed, there was her cloak, dark in the gathering dusk, and beneath was her corpus, and much had been done to it in the way of hacking and poking. even so, her head was still upon her neck, and her face was whole and recognizable, and her long braids coiled about her in the grass. now he knelt down in the grass and willow scrub, and he wept as only old men weep who have no hope left.

and it was the case that in his weeping, he cursed the hearts of the Bristol men, that gave them to do such injury. and after that he cursed his own heart, for he, too, had turned his mind and his strength to such killing as this. eight men had fallen by his hand, and through his enmity, and he made himself think carefully upon their names: Skuli Gudmundsson, Ketil the Unlucky, Hallvard Erlendsson, Bjorn Bollason, Sigurd Bjornsson, Hoskuld Bjornsoon and Arni Bjornsson, and then he fell upon his face in the grass, and he wept for these eight men, all of them his enemies, all of them who had done him injury, but all of them men. and then he saw what he was, an old man, ready to die, pressed against the Greenland earth, as small as an ash berry on the face of a mountain, and he did the only thing that men can do when they know themselves, which was to weep and weep and weep.'

how can you tell if you have a first edition book? today we went to powells, a huge bookstore here in portland and i picked up 3 more nancy drew books for my collection, 2 of them being 1st editions. (see my sidebar for other books that i still need, in case you wanted to pick one up for me) those, plus the 2 i found at goodwill, both needed and super cheap, give me 5 more to put on the shelf.

ill be at carrie's for the night - maybe a show or a movie tonight? either way, she has direct tv and will split a 2 liter coke with me no sweat. ezra and nat are taking their naps and its very tempting to do the same. i do want to get on a better sleeping schedule though.. the later i go to bed here, the harder it will be to get back to eastern time.

pretty much this last week has been run-of-the-mill stuff but i've loved it; walks to the park, playing in the backyard with ezra, reading, cooking... amazing how fast ive gotten used to not working.

ive been in OR for about 2 weeks now. so far, the trip has been days full of trips to the local scenery- the coast (cannon beach) and the waterfalls (columbia river gorge). a few days ago we went to lost lake, and i even looked for bigfoot half-heartedly while catching fire-bellied newts (at least thats what nat said they were). those things are so darn cute!

this weekend will be a trip back to the coast. carrie is participating in a beach cleanup and we are taking the opportunity to go to astoria and check out some goonies landmarks. this is the longest trip ive had to OR (the shortest was a mere 3 days, when ezra was born) and i am happy for the time with my sister and ezra. it will be a sad day on 9/21, when i say goodbye.

i do miss my cats, though. and my own bed.

tomorrow is the greatest day

very soon i will be in OR. i will be leaving two attack cats on guard, so dont try any funny stuff. oh and kristian will be here too. ill blog from the west coast, too; dont worry! (as if you were, really)

nothin's gonna stop the flow

a new low: dancing ellen style to the kids soundtrack while drinking grolsch at 2 in the afternoon.

an exploration of cleaning products

its monday. the whiteboard i took from chase (with permission, i should add) is being put to good use with an ongoing list of things to take care of. funny that other people have added to it too, as if im going to take care of their own private to-do list. i have a list for OR - only 1 weekish away. i have a list for the house. i have a list for my projects, unemployment, cooking, etc. i just happen to love lists.

today i have on the list: try out the new magic eraser. and i have the perfect test, the bathtub. you know that grime that gets on the sides of the tub, like so many layers of dirt from countless showers? this is supposed to take care of that just like, well, an eraser.

** minutes later **

if i didnt know any better, i would truly believe this thing is magic. and i bought the target brand. mr. clean doesnt have a thing on the target dog.

heres a little guy we found crawling around out back. this picture was taken by another guy who wondered what it was, too. turns out its called a velvet ant or nicknamed cow-killer, because of its painful bite (http://www.whatsthatbug.com/velvet_ants.html). its a flightless wasp; only the males have wings. bear thinks its a very realistic picture.. but im afraid if he were pawing the real thing i would have a very mad kitty on my hands. 

http://users2.ev1.net/~rickubis/hammworm.html

check this out. i discovered a much smaller one under my potted aloe.

can i make a list here? since i dont carry the whiteboard with me...

*hang all the blinds
*finish white shelf
*sand and paint bathroom cabinet
*sand and paint pegboard, find a place to hang

pier 1 got a lot of money out of me today.
ill be home soon.

oh baby baby its a wild world

since my last post was unexplainably lost after i spent a good portion of time writing it, i have been too annoyed to think about posting again. today, though, i have some time to kill and the sooner i get back on the horse, the better.

on tuesday i hitched a ride to tampa. living where i do now, it takes about 20 minutes to arrive at target and since gas prices are so high and i myself am so lazy, i have taken to not stopping anywhere unless its on the way. so i did the rounds within a few hours time: goodwill, walmart, cacciatore brothers, library, target, etc.. all very efficiently too. the shoe store did not deliver, but i was satisfied when i remembered the plastic popsicle set i discovered at goodwill for only a buck.

upon arriving home, there was no time to enjoy all my purchases. the beer must be bottled. oh, didnt i mention that? kristian decided to try his hand at brewing beer and i was designated assistant. i have pictures too, to show you step by step the process. well, not step by step exactly, but so you can get the general idea. ill post those soon. right now, i should get packing for the weekend.

miss you bro.

im throwing around some ideas as to when i could visit TN and so far, the one i like best is early/late october, maybe to see the leaves change? of course, ill have to check in with the family first. still i dont want to wait too long before i start looking for work. more than 2 months and i will have forgotten everything. in the back of my mind, i think that if i do decide to continue working in a call center, i will apply where sandra and dave secured their lucrative positions. and not just because of the money! but because i would love to work with them again.

ever see that show 'good eats' on food network? alton brown is such a fanatic about food and the science behind cooking etc. last night he made beef jerky and i absolutely want to try it. maybe em and chris and i could make some together? wouldnt that be a bonding experience. jerky for dinner and cake for dessert.

seriously, people, i need a schedule. after several hours of animal crossing (btw deb i paid for your next house upgrade and then some) i realized i hadnt moved much over the course of the day.

anyway, about an hour ago, i sprayed down with BUG repellent and headed for the shed. the smell of cut grass probably makes most people nostalgic in some ways; dad mowing on the weekend, waking you up from a morning you though you were going to be able to sleep in, forcing you to mow also, even though you still have blisters from the last time you did it... my dad didnt have a son right away and just past the time my brother got to lawn-mowing age, they became apartment dwellers. me and my sisters were the mowers, along with dad, and he would split up the lawn into manageable sections. dad would invariably get the largest part to cover and we brought him drinks or a wet rag to wipe his face with while he worked. i suppose seeing him sweat so much in the FL summer made me feel guilty and i would usually try to take over sooner. then, when i was red faced and dripping, he would appear and take over the controls. this was how it was for us.

the best part? all of us in the pool afterwards. rinsing off be damned.

what does one do when one is not working? ive already cleaned the house and worked outside as much as i can bear the heat. ive done some cooking and baking in the last few days and i have a pile of books that im working on. ive applied for unemployment and taken care of a few remaining work stuff.

i can only play so much animal crossing in a day.

so i made myself a bloody mary. :)

well, about 45 mins after that last post on wednesday, the one that was to be my last post from this place, they called us into a room and told us that they were sending us 14,000 more accounts for review. yesterday, though, nothing came until 15:30 and of course, we took our time learning the new codes and procedures. so today is really the last day and im feeling slightly less nostalgic, but still feel my departure hanging over me like .. well, like a cloud.

its 15:00. i am less than an hour away from walking out of here for the last time. ive been playing the gorillaz and ani defranco for most of the day.

today will most likely be my last day at chase. i woke up and arrived here early, thinking i would have some time to myself here before everyone else arrived. as usual, when you think you will be alone in this place, there are a few people there before you, working on their own things. i have viewed so many accounts that my left arm is aching from the repetitious movement.

i suppose i should go back to working; the excuse that im resting my arm wont work forever.

a goodbye present from chase: a severe, fast-acting case of carpel tunnel syndrome.

night.

i wanted to give everyone on my team a little gift. i wanted to give a present to all my close co-workers. i do not have the funds, so i am stuck just writing a card.

woohoo! :) tonight's the night.

there's a place in hell for me and my friends

our family tree hacked into decline
and im spared the pain
of ever saying goodbye.
the decision is mine.
i'm the end of the line
the end of the family line
the end of the line

ive been tracking all day and i only have 4 dots to show for it. im no meteorogist, heck, i cant even spell the word, but i think that this storm is moving north more than they think.

almost time to go home!

its summertime in FL! and what could say summer more than dangerous hurricanes heading your way? well, not exactly my way, but you never know. my area is now out of the "cone of possibility", which incidentally is what i call eating an ice cream while mowing the lawn, but we are not out of the woods yet. last years first major hurricane took a little jog to the east, about 100 miles south of where all the experts said it was going to land.

so, that being the case and the way of all hurricanes, i have decided to track this storm on my own. i have my tracking chart of the atlantic and the carribean and i have.. well, a pen. together, they will work.. well. ill keep you updated. in the meantime, check out some satellite images of dennis.

http://www.ssd.noaa.gov/PS/TROP/DATA/RT/FLOAT2/VIS/20.jpg

if there is anything that will strike fear into my heart, its an email from my HR generalist (oh wait, now called HR business partner) with the subject line: YOU. i think it might have something to do with the termination im pushing for.

anyway, today i should be back online at home with cable internet. yay! i hope its worth the 32 bucks a month. i thought about getting basic cable along with it, but even though i could justify it with the fact that ill be home more to enjoy it, i couldnt really justify it with that fact. and so im just going with the internet.

maybe youll get a live post from home this weekend!!

i actually feel liked ive worked today, almost like my pre-announcement of downsizing world. almost. im a bit defensive in my emails to the other site, the other site that still has a job (for now anyway) and i like to push their buttons when i can.

i merely looked 15 minutes at shopgoodwill today, which is a record for me.

now however, i am distracted by oprah's magazine.

so, ive been sick. im talking can't sleep, zero energy and crying on the couch sick. today im back at work and sucking on fishermans friends. wait, thats not what it sounds like.

today, at least, im not suffering from ultra short term nostalgia.

the fury of the aquabats

i hope im never too old to turn down an aquabats show. even though this time the audience was packed with the same amount of people as it was back in 1999, the majority of the fans seemed to have somehow gotten younger. at least i wasnt older than the band, i told kristian on the way inside. old or not, the aquabats scored again as one of the best bands i have seen live. they played several old favorites and few from the new album. there were cheesy monster attacks to stop the show and then mock fights to take back the stage. i stayed away from "the pit", even while considering a mad dash through the tromping crowd. it was tremendous fun. i cant wait until the next time.

ive been humming 'pool party' for days now.

im working up a to-do list this morning and so far it includes important things like capturing all my links in the browser here at work for use after work, ordering roadrunner service (im pretty sure im going to get it, anyway) and perusing the site of one of my favorite authors.

im looking forward to seeing em and chris and little zeph soon, maybe in a week or two. hopefully, they will be able to make the drive, what with the gas prices so high. i will fill up their tank for them if thats any incentive. plus, we can have an outdoor picnic at my newly discovered, cobbled and clean, patio area. so if you are reading this, feel free to let me know your plans. :)

i stopped shopping after winning my second auction, a small round italian pottery peice, with colors that inspired me. i am now methodically reading through a swiped (legally, from the library) copy of march's vanity fair. it has better writing than i expected. ive read about an elite highschool in california, a movie about a cowardly soldier, an interview with micheal moore and the star-driven kabbalah religion. the leader of the movement in california actually made the statement that 6 million jews would not have died during the holocaust if they had practiced kabbalah. nice. i suppose hes wishing for more people to take money from.

all in all, the day has gone by pretty fast.

its friday morning at 8 am and ive already won my first bid on shopgoodwill. today promises to be another day of 'keeping myself busy' and fighting any work that might get in the way of that.

verdant streets

when i turn on to the rutted road that leads to my home, all i see is green. trees thick with vines and bushes grown scraggly and wild have taken over both sides of the limestone street. within a few seconds, im bumping over the trail with patches of green grass growing in its center and the house is beside me. the shrubs that outline the front and side of the house like a living fence have grown tall and full, and the leaves stand out in stark relief from the fading sunlight. the driveway is only grass and the few concrete patches that have survived over the years are covered with neon green moss that is slick to walk on with bare feet, especially at night.

ive told you that i take an evening walk through the garden, looking for new growths and new blooms. tiny toadstoools have popped up in the center of the old stump thats lying on its side and have attached one on top of the other. the seeds i planted last week have a seemingly tenuous grip on the soil, but are stronger than they appear. it fascinates me and i know it will be hard to leave this place.

the ceiling fans should be installed by the end of this weekend and along with that, i changed around the furniture in the bedroom. i wont be sleeping there much though, in the next few days, since im heading to orlando after work. since im the practical type, im also getting a haircut along the way. thinking about going to orlando has put some knots in my stomach, because im worried. but then again, the sight of the hotels on i-4 that signal im within 5 minutes of my family have always unsettled me. at least, for the last 5 years. but i go still, because i want to see my family and strangely enough, cameron called to invite me, in a way. i dont want to break my promise and for as much as we dont always get along, i still reach for some sort of friendship with him. and so i go. i think i might stay until monday, perhaps tuesday.

tuesdays, now thats a strange story.

and did i mention i feel like a kid looking forward to summer vacation?

each year i wait with anticipation to see my name on the list of hurricanes for the season. sadly, from 2005-2009, i have not made the cut. there are a few names though, to take note of.

2005: Emily
2006: Chris, Debby and Valerie (now won't that be a year to remember?)
2007: Melissa

and who could forget the one with the most punch, hurricane andrew in 1992? but this isnt a contest, people.

for some reason, people are avoiding my neon pink fruit salad.

last night, i was in bed by 8:30. not feeling so good today. but we are having a potluck at work and boy, does that raise my spirits considerably. so its 11 am and i have already eaten breakfast and lunch. ill be back for a second lunch soon.

the only drawback is that i am getting incredibly sleepy.

day four

captain's log: day four of, oh wait, i got to come in late today. yeah. so last night we took carlos out for dinner because it was his last day at work. it was fun; loads of reminiscing and laughing about the past. the music was loud and the beer was flowing (i only had 3). i left after 5 hours, ears ringing and feeling good.

day three

captain's log: day three of early-rising. it was a little more difficult to get up today. the shrieking alarm has absolutely no sympathy; who designed an alarm that sounds like an air raid? i wonder, does the sun ever come up at 5 am at any time of the year? i took the toll roads the whole way down, costing me $3.50, but well worth it. you can almost go to sleep on that road, its so quiet. but first, i have to make it to the car. i really should be grateful for the adrenaline boost, but one of these days im going to run headlong into the car or a tree or trip over the sidewalk that gives me no trouble during the day. see, ever since i read about random animal attacks in the area, by what could be a fox, bobcat or other loose exotic pet, ive convinced myself that im going to run into the guilty prowler one early unsuspecting morning. the trouble is, i remember that im (most likely) being stalked when i get a few feet from the car and then i start to rush. i crash into the front door, unlock it and jam myself and my stuff into the seat and then i lock the door for good measure, in case the creature knows how to work doors (clever girl..)
really, that rush is probably what keeps me awake through the drive up until my cup of coffee.

one thing that keeps me entertained throughout the day is reading 'diary of a wimpy kid' on this site
http://www.funbrain.com/journal/Journal.html?ThisMonth=6&ThisDay=2&ThisJournalDay=150&ThisPage=1

as you can tell, im on day 150. what am i going to do once that runs out?

i haven't blogged a whole lot in the last month or so... as much as i have been bored at work, you'd think i would have had at least a page everyday. so lets just start with the new stuff going on, to catch you up, so to speak.

i started a new schedule at work, 6:00 to 17:00. so far, i have been managing it well. the first day, last saturday, i didnt get much sleep, though i was trying to get to bed early. last night, i got plenty of sleep and so today, i feel okay. theres something strange about being up early and being alert at the same time. we have all rolled out of bed, for some reason or another, at an hour we arent used to getting up, but most of those times we dont think too much about being awake. here i am, getting up at 5 am and feeling alert. waking up before the alarm. thats new for me. and then, each time i get in the car, i have random flashes of deja vu; road trips with my parents when dad wanted to get an early start, going to conventions in the summertime, waking up for early morning service... driving by the airport made me think that i should be going there instead of work. one morning, i felt like i was back in london and we were getting up early to go to the museum. it was raining that day too.

i also wonder how joe is doing these days.

sigh

its funny, i just have to laugh at myself. when did i become so afraid? im in a new place and having trouble feeling at home. i sleep lightly. i stare at shadows like im a little kid, trying to make out a monster in the dark.

mainly, its the lack of good sleep thats getting to me. if i wasnt so tired, i really would laugh.

im too tired to blog.

i had a nice dream last night.
im using the antique bed that we found upstairs.
it creaks a little when i move, but its sturdy and pretty.
i didnt hear a mouse last night either, so the box could come off the air vent.
what was that elusive, lingering feeling that was in my dream? is that only something my subconscious can experience? because i dont think ive ever felt it while awake. cruel cognizance.

sigh sigh sigh

bear is warming up to me like crazy and that makes me feel great. my parents came over for the day on saturday and andrew too! deb was over for the weekend and it was a lot of fun - we did 'deb and steph' sort things. and some work. 4 days of fun! it was great.

i credit her with the "great bear warm up".

today work is getting to me (and to everyone else, by the looks of things.) nothing i do is right or motivated by the same instincts as before. apathy is setting in everywhere i look and we still have roughly three months to go.

i just keep nice thoughts in the front of my mind: 2 cute kittens waiting for me at home, a new video game, a plant that is ready to be potted.

BUM meetings.. ha ha

i went to the most enlightening business update meeting yesterday, and when i wasnt nodding off or trying to sneak a few paragraphs in my book, i was taking notes. there were several important items that i took away from that hour and a half.

*"it's all about execution!" then, "it's all about growth!"
*apparently, as part of that growth, one senior executive was heard to say 'this company wants to penetrate customers'. nice.
*a life lesson learned at this meeting! its not good to wait for anything. another top-ranking officer of the bank let us know he hates to wait in line and commented on the apparent stupidity of people that use checks. where do they come up with this stuff?
*finally, a big thank you for all of our hard work throughout the quarter and how much they are looking forward to next quarter.

what, no goodbyes to your collegues in tampa?

yes, i am still talking about it.

perhaps the most exaggerated 'identifying' ive heard in recent years was when i mentioned to someone how amazing it was that a French stuntman walked a tightrope between the twin towers back in the seventies. 'oh yeah, i worked on the twin towers (in the basement) and went up pretty high when i had to examine the electrical work (only 15 stories after it was complete).'
parentheses mine.

my thoughts on communication

is this job even important? does it really mean that much? should i be keenly concerned about my livelihood and how i will support myself once the severance is over or is it likely that i will find a job with comparable pay within 4 months? though this happens to many people each year, is it still a sad event for those going through it right now?

if you answered yes to any of those questions, you and i are on the same line of thought. so why is it that, outside my family, maybe only one or two people have actually expressed some sympathy for my situation? its not that i want gushing condolences, just a few words. heres a few examples of what would be nice to hear.

'im sorry to hear that. what are your plans?'
'wow, thats too bad!'
'oh no! thats terrible! how long did you work there?'

asking questions shows the one you are conversing with that you are concerned about them. to emphasize even more that you are listening to them and seeing their point of view, you could even rephrase their answer.

'oohhh, you worked there five years and they are letting you go??'
'okay, so let me get this straight, they are closing the site which eliminates nearly 2000 employees??'
'so your last day is at the end of july? that must be tough to think about.'

one listening block that is a sure way to push your conversation partner aside is by doing whats called 'identifying'. this means you take my situation or problem and tell me about a time that you went through or heard of something similar. here is what you should avoid in this regard:

'oh, you lost your job? yeah i remember that at capital one they didnt give any notice, be thankful that didnt happen to you.'
'yeah, i was laid off like that before. and guess what package i got? nothing! at least you are getting some money.'
'thats nothing! my husband was laid off after 15 years of service!'

statements like that, though they seem to be empathetic, are actually putting my situation on the backburner. instead of really listening, your mind is racing ahead to find a chance to jump in with a story of your own. that doesnt make me feel valued.

wont you please step into the Awareness Circle with me?

just a fast update since the new place does not have the net yet.

the house is coming along, im nearly unpacked.
the kittens are doing okay, except for bear, who is hissing a lot.
i didnt go to my cousins wedding.
i have yet to sleep at my place since my bed is covered with things.
today im making granola.

the cat with two heads!

whats better than two kittens? three kittens! i knew i would need those claw trimmers again and we've already gotten a food dish. let's see... ill need some
*kitty litter
*collar
*make dr appt
*flea medicine
*scratching post
*cat bed
*cat treats
this is going to be fun.
maybe a little pricey.

ok, so my sim diamond is not really green at all these days. still, im pretty sure ill survive.

i just need to drink the right potion.

and so the end is nigh.

my apartment looks like the day i first moved in. i find myself counting down the time until im gone... two nights looking at the stars, one more meeting, two more showers, one more nighttime walk...

in my dream, i was sobbing and i could not catch my breath. my dad had thrown a grenade at the old arcadia house because my company (in that weird way dreams connect) had made him. in my dream, i had lost my childhood home. in the waking world, i was losing another sort of home.

and so the breakdown i was doing so well in avoiding has come full swing. im grumpy, easily annoyed and very anti-social. im skipping out on a wedding this weekend because i dont want to pretend to be happy. im content playing sims all day.. and i mean all day. i read a lot and get emotionally attached to the characters in my stories. i talk to myself and sniffle occasionally; more often though, its more than a sniffle. i snap at people, i dont have any good jokes and i avoid or dont return peoples phone calls or emails.

im on the balcony, looking down.

everything good about the new house makes us comment about its previous real owner, dave.

the party mix is playing over kristian's speakers. 'this house hasnt heard music this good since dave was alive.'

a new flower is discovered in a nook of the garden. 'i have a feeling dave has a lot of surprises in store for us in this garden.'

enjoying a beer in the sky chair. 'don't you wish dave was here?'

tomorrow is sandras wedding. :)

open bar :))

last night, my phone started vibrating at the meeting. i couldnt resist a peek and was surprised to see it was my dad calling. didnt they know i would be at meeting? i put my purse down and concentrated on the meeting again. in the middle of the talk about abraham, it hit me that they may be calling about an emergency.. what if there had been an accident? what if it was andrew? or it could be mom or dad.. what if they are hurt or ill?

worry nagged at me.

i finally got up and went to the ladies room to check the msg, which ended up being very brief and lacking in information. i called her and yeah, she was only calling to tell me the news about their apartment place going condo.

sigh.

note to self: kristian has no sympathy for elderly women telemarketers.

are invasive species really so bad?

i know i love 'em.

ive had a lot of changes in my life lately, so i feel i deserve a minor meltdown here and there. thus far, i have been able to stave off the major ones; you know the ones that leave you gibbering and drooling while planning to jump off your balcony, even though its sure to just leave you with a few broken bones since its only 3 stories and not very high.

so far, anyway.

there are some interesting tomb pictures here - one or two names that might stand out.

www.eastpepincemetery.com

i liked finding out that the woman that sold the house was not the one with the green thumb. since she gave kristian such a hard time, i couldnt imagine that she was the one to work with all these plants with such care. so, when we learned from a neighbor that it was actually her deceased husband, dave herceg, that was the plant-lover, i felt immediately relieved. we also learned that he had grown up in this home and it had been passed down to him. his grandfather built the home in 1926. maybe he passed down the green thumb, too?

kristian showed me some discoveries in the shed and we could tell this was dave herceg's haven, too. there were old underwear folded neatly and ready to be used for rags. all kinds of tools, and organized wood peices, like the stakes used in the railing for the small fence by the backdoor. there was paint and varnish on one side, and a table with a lamp for detailed work. it was by no means immaculate, but it was organized. and near the door was a huge bag of birdseed made especially for cardinals.

im sure the cardinals will miss him. in a way, i do, too.

the secret garden

the yard is a good size, full of small alcoves and secluded spots. in the previous weeks, i would stroll through the walk-worn trails, trying to identify those plants that i knew by sight. it was still cold then, my breath coming out in small clouds, and many of the plants were still dormant. no flowers were budding, no trees showed their bright green spring growth; only the small azaleas were bursting with blossoms, both white and violet. i had grand ideas even then, but really i just enjoyed discovering what else lay in this dappled green space.

now, weeks later, after plenty of rain and warm sunshine, the yard is coming alive and is full of more surprises. where once it seemed there were only ferns, now an amaryllis bloomed three fist-sized flowers, red-orange and delicate, despite their size. on the outskirts of a tall and wide pile of branches, sticks and twigs, grew a sunflower about 4 feet tall. in one corner, a small, ruffled purple flower reaches toward the sun, making a nice compliment to the gnarled and black tree stump beside it. its this spot that seems especially isolated to me, because the trees and palms nearly enclose the space entirely, and i feel a small shiver. i can't hear the road from here, and most of the house is blocked from view. i peer into the depths of the bushes, hoping to spot one of the rogue cats that travel this area, but all i see is blackness. there are glads pushing up their spiky leaves here and other small leafy plants showing promise of blooms. the earth is black and rich.

i put my imaginary stake in the ground with my personal banners flying and declared this land as my own.

today kristian is sliding across the hardwood floor in his new house, in naught but his skivvies and socks.

well, maybe not really.

but that would be fun.

as i swished my feet through the silvery grass last night, heading for the park bench after a run, i wondered if i should worry about snakes. i made more noise as i walked, just in case. i didnt linger at the bench either, though it was a moonlit night and the stars were enticing. in case there were unsavory characters nearby, like the wild rabbits that live in the grove of trees near that very same park, i was alert and ready to flee. i cant say ive ever seen a person of that description in the park, night or day, but i was wary still.

i felt silly for thinking that way.

in truth, i fear many things, nearly all of them more real than imagined.

walking back towards my place, i stared hard at the shadows. i couldnt help it; even as i past the edge of the wood, dark and full of imagined menace, adrenalin flowed and i sprinted the last few feet into the safety of the street lamp.

and even then, i was not truly safe.

everybodys going to the party, have a real good time

hi. its monday! and my apartment is an obstacle course. but at least i found that missing piece for the dining room lamp that i exchanged for my chinese paper lamp 3 years ago. i was worried about that for a day or two. ive only been up for an hour and 15 mins and ive already packed 3 boxes and cleaned out (mostly) the little storage closet. last night i amazed myself with my willingness to get rid of clothing! from tee shirts, to old man pants (i had an astonishing amount of them) to skirts i had not worn in years.. all went into a big garbage bag for the next yard sale at the new house. i just hope it sells.. even if not, it will go to goodwill. what do you think, .25 each item? or could i dare as high as 50 cents?

one pile is for deb; it consists of higher caliber items that she might like.

no wonder my mom wanted to get me on that make-over show. even though i still think its a mean idea.

12 cats, here i come!

this is cool.. i get to leave here at 20:00! sadly, one of the first things i thought in regards to this was, whats on tv friday nights now? really really sad. i hope that the tv takes a lesser part in my life when im in the house. but really, i dont watch it that much. this week was a bit excessive, because most of my evenings were free. plus, its a nice thing to do while you pack boxes, kinda keeps your mind off the cardboard cuts.

patrick and robin havent really told me what they think of the move. (those are my fish, btw) i have a feeling they will like it, minus the part about the cats. im sure i will train those kittens to respect their fellow animals by not, uhm, eating them. two kittens doesnt seem like enough... i am already planning for future batches of kittens...

does anyone want this snazzy 'fire safety team' hat in fire engine red?

#1 song to listen to when feeling sad (according to a bbc survey) - the smiths, 'i know its over'. morrissey always made me feel happy about being sad.

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
and as I climb into an empty bed
oh well, enough said
I know it's over still I cling
I don't know where else I can go, mother
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
see, the sea wants to take me
the knife wants to slit me
do you think you can help me?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
handsome groom, give her room
loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
although she needs you more than she loves you
And I know it's overstill I cling
I don't know where else I can go
it's over, it's over, it's over
I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real
and you even spoke to me and said:"If you're so funny
then why are you on your own tonight?
and if you're so clever
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very entertaining
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very good looking
why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know because tonight is just like any other night
that's why you're on your own tonight
with your triumphs and your charms
while they are in each other's arms
It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes strength to be gentle and kind
it's over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes guts to be gentle and kind
it's over, over, over

Love is natural and real
but not for you, my love
not tonight my love
love is natural and real but not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

tuna, rubber

last night i was fully awake. so awake after midnight that i got up, watched some dave letterman and paced my small apartment for awhile. ive heard that you should never just stay in bed when you are having trouble sleeping; that getting up for a time helps. in my case, it didnt seem to make a difference.

really, it only made me even more aware of how empty my apartment is becoming. earlier that evening, i took most of the knick-knacks off the entertainment shelf; its easy to dismantle while watching alias. i removed the nails that held my pictures to the wall and stacked them with care in cardboard, next to the random sheet for cushioning. the walls are nearly bare. the fridge is devoid of magnets - only the bottle opener remains. the counters are loaded with stacked boxes, all marked fragile, all marked careful.

for a few minutes, maybe more, i watched one mosquito, then two, land and hover around my screened window. i flicked them off into the night to go harrass something they could actually bite. i listened for the whippoorwill that has recently arrived back in the neighborhood, but i only heard frogs and crickets, making no attempt to sing in unison. i stared at the ceiling. i made mental lists of things i have to put back to apartment standard before leaving. i thought about the house i would be living in soon, wondering whether i would be nervous without the sounds i am used to hearing, here in my bed in #311.

dad decided to come too! what a nice surprise. would like to show them the cube, but i suppose its not so important. ill wait until i have the office.

jesse cracks me up! seriously, i would be wasting away here if it wasnt for him.

so im re-thinking my plans. there is a job that has caught my attention and tonight i am going to apply online. what have i got to lose? peace of mind, a salary.. sure. but real peace of mind, well, thats way above what a high-paying job can provide.
...
still, im going to give it a go.
...
i just did it. i posted.
am i getting too excited too early?
...
tomorrow is my last night working until 10 PM - woo hoo!! whatever will i do with a few extra evening hours?
...
i have been sneezing all day.
...
why is it when i call my family i always have to affect a british or country accent? today emily did it to me at work and i just had to play along. she gave it up when i said i needed to put her on hold to check on the alleged fraud issue she was having. it made me smile.

let down

one day i am going to grow wings
a chemical reaction
hysterical and useless

thunder woke me up again in the early hours of the morning.
no run for me.
took some time to talk to the andrews in my life.
one is moving out and the other is happy most of the time.
i have a picture of legolas next to my nephews on my cubicle wall.
i stare at it when im bored.
im staring pretty hard right now.

in the end, it doesnt even matter

184 in attendance tonight. the senior center was never quite so packed.

i just got back from a run/walk. i kept a careful eye out for gators and any other odd shapes in the bushes. just me and blur and postal service for 20 minutes. i know when i leave this place ill wish i had done more walking at night.

ill wish i had done more.

whats this? blogging on a wednesday?

i knew there was a reason why i didnt do it - not much to say.

you look so tired and happy...

too many i's in this blog lately...

really got into packing today, still cant believe theres this much stuff, no matter how much its consolidated.

bought a 2 liter of coke today.. something fishy there.

planning for a yard sale, here at the apartment complex, hope deb and mom both make it up for the big day. something fishy with deb, too.

cant believe the things i would give away, just to be whole again.

Fitter Happier

fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that's driven into frozen winter sh**
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

http://applevalleyorchard.com/

this place is out of cleveland, TN. yummm apple pies!

creme filled center

i have some good news! the eye-twitching has stopped! (i gave this tremendous news only one sentence, but for those of you that are close to me, you will realize the significance.)

my stomach is growling. boiled egg or a cadbury egg? (im a sucker for at least one of those this time of year.) im doing my best to be productive today even though im not home. ive already sanded down 4 chairs in preparation for varnishing. i do have so much more energy on the days im not at work. well, a different sort of energy.

as i sanded, my mind wandered. i realized it was just a month ago that we were in TN, all of us, and how rare that was. my favorite few hours that week; my 3 sisters and brother, all in the hot tub, talking about our lives, questioning the other, listening and learning a little more about each other. talking about mom and dad and how things will be when they are older, where would they live? (personally, i hope to be in a place to have them live with me, did i mention that?) the conversation ranged from our jobs, our homes, our friends... i sometimes listened more than speaking. today, as i sanded, i thought about my sisters and wondered, now that we are grown, if there are any jealousies between us. i have to admit, i feel jealousy - but not begrudgingly. does that make sense? i see each of their small families and in some way, desire aspects of their lives. melissa, with her terrific job and seemingly unwavering confidence in herself. emily and her ability to speak her mind and overwelmingly generous spirit. debbie, with her easy-going nature and her intelligence. andrew and his sense of humor and listening ability. and then there are the nephews; i replay over and over in my mind the sweet little smile zeph gave me as he was in his carseat, ready to go home. i smile as i remember ezra dancing around my room at the cabin, insisting he didnt want to sing or learn a song, only to hear him sing it hours later, nearly perfectly. these arent my children! but they melt my heart every single time.

and so i find, its not really jealousy. its just longing.

photo 2. these two photos were taken in 2000 and completely without my knowledge. brit andrew sent them to me the other night. kinda odd to see yourself as you were, unaware of being photographed. i miss crosswords with debbie.

photo 1 in evidence. 

and im doing just fine!

i have made a heartening discovery! online at diana gabaldon's website, one can read exerpts from her upcoming books. so in the hours to come, i will use those small tidbits as motivation - work a little, read a little. i think this plan will work, at least for tonight.

this weekend will most likely be full of packing, even though i still hesitate to pack away those pieces that make my apartment my apartment. the bare walls loom over me when im there alone regarding the ceiling, like i did during those first days of moving in.

for dinner, i have a lovely spinach lasagna planned.

manny is laughing - i think he is waiting for me to ask just what is so funny, but lack of interest keeps me typing. wait, hes going to tell me anyway. great. i dont have time for nonsense, exerpts are waiting. sheesh.

work a little, read a little, blog a little.

today i went to a class about resume writing.

i threw my words to the wind. not one came back to me.

i was thinking about the tori show. thanks be to andrew for the cd! and he even got me doves' new cd.

true love waits

'...and wash your swollen feet

just.. dont leave
dont leave

im not living.
im just killing time.'

this song, in a parking lot, 5 years ago.

among other things...

still thinking about those diamond earrings...

sometimes i feel bipolar.

today is amazing. its friday at 16:00 and i have time to post a blog.

im at a complete loss for words.

i could talk about how joe is coming to fl but refuses to come by and see me.
i could talk about how i am having a hard time packing my place because i want it to feel like home for a little bit longer.
i could talk about how i wish i could have travelled for work, too.
i could mention that ive listened to the 'killers' cd about five times today.
i could bring up the fact that im wearing cameron's old shoes, the black and white a.d.i.d.a.s.

plus, i imagine im jennifer garner everytime i watch alias.

maybe next week

'i truly am a social degenerate'... i thought to myself on the drive home tonight.
dont look at me like that when i say i cant! i make my own rules!
but the fact is, i could have.
i have a late night on fridays?! uhm, right now its thursday evening. even standing there in the rain, i could see a bit of disbelief on his face. still, it was nice to be thought of, even if i was unable to accept.

because, you know, of the degeneracy.

on the menu..

ive decided to cook today. make a few dishes to last me for the week and keep me from getting my old stand-by from the cafe (grilled cheese sandwich).

first, i shredded the remaining good carrots. those will be frozen for a future carrot cake. you can freeze them, right?

now im defrosting chicken. half of it will go in a curry (wait, do i have coconut milk?) and the other half will be made from melissas chicken recipe. (i came home with the leftover bread crumbs.)

i am going to make some banana bread too. but ill wait on that a bit.

so, get on with it, you say. and i shall.

a conversation with debbie

deb - (sighing with exasperation) 'but i feel like i have a mullet.'
steph - 'you mean, with your hair.. or just ... in general.'
deb - (laughing) 'yeah, i have a mullet of the soul.'

wilde is on mine.

"a dreaded sunny day, so i'll meet you at the cemetery gates."

what to do, what to do. i had planned on cleaning out the storage room, but i haven't decided if i really want to tackle that job today. it will involve some recycling. perhaps if i take it one step at a time.

"a dreaded sunny day, so let's go where we're happy."

i also have to shred some carrots and make some lunch for tomorrow. the fridge could also use a cleaning. thank you andrew again - the food processor is excellent. :)

"with loves and hates and passions just like mine; they were born and then they lived and then they died."

unpacking and then packing again

well, im back! the trip was great, but its always so hard to say goodbye.

i have a few more days before going back to work and im glad to be home, in a way. now though, i have to focus on decisions, and i have a feeling work will be harder in these last few months. i also have to finish packing up my worldly goods over the next two months. april 30th is my last day in #311.

that will be another tough goodbye.

im off..

see you after TN!

fierce love

here - a pregnant woman attacks and kills a woman who was attempting to kill her for her unborn child.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/02/12/woman.attacked.ap/index.html

bury the dead, not the truth

'Leontius, the son of Aglaion, was coming up from the Peiraeus, close to the outer side of the north wall, when he saw some dead bodies lying near the executioner, and he felt a desire to look at them, and at the same time felt disgust at the thought, and tried to turn aside. For some time he fought with himself and put his hand over his eyes, but in the end the desire got the better of him, and opening his eyes wide with his fingers he ran forward to the bodies, saying, "There you are, curse you, have your fill of the lovely spectacle." '
- PLATO, The Republic, taken from a forward of We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families - Stories from Rwanda, by Philip Gourevitch

i will admit that 'Hotel Rwanda' made me think about what happened in that small african country in a way i had never done before. i was still in high school when nearly one million tutsis were murdered over the course of about 100 days and my limited consciousness of the events at that time make me feel ashamed today. i wanted to know why it happened and although i know its part of mans inhumanity to man, i needed to know how a neighbor could be convinced to pick up a machete and kill someone they considered friend. could it happen here?

the book, We wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families - Stories from Rwanda, by Philip Gourevitch, is so heartbreaking in its descriptions of the genocide, that i often have to take a break from reading it, for fear i will not be able to sleep. but what's a little lost sleep compared to those who were hacked to death only because they carried a tutsi id card, and were a little taller, with lighter skin and straighter hair? a popular method of torturing the tutsis before they were killed was to cut off their hands and feet, a way of "cutting them down to size", since they were taller than most hutus. hutu power reminded those killing to take special care when dealing with pregnant women by ripping the fetus from the body; the intent was that no tutsi would survive, even children would not be allowed to grow up. doctors killed patients, patients killed doctors, teachers and students killed each other. the roads were littered with bodies and lake victoria had 50,000 corpses clogging its waterways.

even after the genocide, the killing continued. most of the agents of the genocide fled into neighboring countries like zaire, and there congregated in camps holding thousands of other hutus that were either forced into the killing in rwanda or were willing participants. these camps were sent financial aid and supplies from around the world, despite the fact that raids were instigated from those camps back into rwanda to kill any survivors of the genocide and that killings were taking place even among the refugees, though they were nearly everyone of them hutu.

so, i sigh and turn the page, waiting for the paragraph or sentence that tells of a healing for those people in rwanda. it has not come, even yet.

look at those sparkles...

funny thing, now that i know i will be out of a job i really want to spend money on myself. one act of irresponsibility in the form of diamond earrings.

i cant stand.. to see you distraught...

i have a new option for work. ill tell you more if it pans out.

tonight i am packing up, arranging for some details to be covered while im away (patrick and robin have to be fed!) and in general, going from room to room, restless.

thoughts i am thinking:
hope debbie will be at the cabin.
what to do with this hair? another grey one??
this song makes me think of 2002
i will cry as it gets closer to the end

man, everyone was tense at work today! jim yelled at me for having my phone on cover - which i know im guilty of, but i mean, come on. then octavia burned her arm with hot tea; poor thing, it was second degree burns. sandra and i devised a bag full of ice to help sooth it, but she left pretty soon after. the hotline was ringing non-stop and the service level tanked.
***
what was i saying about crying just now?

!!!

the cabin trip is just next week!

say hello to sleeping in and getting up early! dancing with the animals of the mountains! eating pancakes and ice cream for breakfast! rocking on the porch to the tune of the backwoods fiddle! running for your lives from the mountain lion! eating pancakes with strawberries for lunch! watching the sun set through the trees! eating pancakes with whipped cream for dinner! carrying a shotgun on your back with a makeshift holster you made from an old leather belt and a hankerchief!

and mostly, talking and laughing with my amazing family.

an exchange at the kitchen store

peripheral vision told me i still had a pursuer, and then, i was accosted near the spoons.

man: 'can i tell you, you are very beautiful?'
me, looking away, saying something demure...
man: 'you are! you are so beautiful you should have bodyguards'
me, thinking yeah to protect me from people like you...
man, makes kissing two fingers gesture, like im a dish of especially fine spaghetti

perhaps he needed a green card?

im still chuckling about this

so yesterday i was making my weekly drop at goodwill. well, i say weekly, but its really only the second week i have hauled some of my, uhm, stuff in to be sold at meager prices. i pulled into the drop-off, already an expert at what to do, and waited for the attendant to notice me. he walked down with a smile, giving me the once over, and i went through my spiel about needing the crate back since, well, i would need it again for the next week. the crate was full; plates and bowls, stacked willy-nilly and an old spice rack that i kept for two years! debating whether or not i would use it. there were a few romance novels - not mine! - a pair of cheesy, mirrored shades and a ceramic flower knick-knack that came from a friends wedding. he took the crate to unload it, while i got out the bag of clothing. i said goodbye to a few t-shirts, making myself stop rifling methodically through the bag, as though i may have put my most important piece of clothing in by mistake.

i looked up to see the attendant coming back down the ramp, with an even goofier grin on his face. he looked slightly different all of a sudden and he turned towards me a little more expectantly than before, though i doubt it was because i was holding out an enticing over-stuffed bag of clothes. i thought to myself, what is he smiling at?? honestly, i thought for a second that my sweater was more revealing than i realized. i thanked him, returned his smile, although with slightly less enthusiasm, and got in my car.

as i drove through the gate about 3 seconds later, it hit me. he was wearing the sunglasses i had just donated. and damn if they didnt look good on him.

what to do...

i am relieved. the neighbors seem to be alive, afterall. i know i saw them moving in the weekend of the last hurricane, but since then i have not once glimpsed them. over the months, flyers rolled up and stuck in between the frame and doorknob, stacked up and then blew away. a plate of cookies wrapped in saran wrap sat ignored for the better part of last week. (i was not tempted because i had made a batch of my own chocolate chip cookies that same week.) today, though, the cookies and the latest flyers were gone.

so, i am relieved.

today i read some of the yearbook, my arms and legs in a perpetual state of gooseflesh. i made some pancakes and packed my lunch for tomorrow. i stared out my glass doors, i vaccumed. i did laundry, i packed a few things. i stood, wondering what to do next. i curled my hair for the fun of it, i put on a lot of mascara. i put away the puzzle - sorry deb, i have failed you - i thought about work tomorrow and whether i could get away with wearing jeans. i drank some water and also some milk. i listened to my cds, fiona, dc, etc. i tried to nap and then remembered how i have trouble sleeping at night and instead laid there and listened.

now, i brush out the curls and bjork is playing.
i havent decided on the jeans thing or not.

your eyes tell the story

i wouldnt ask this of you
good eye, sniper

i once read a book about a lebanese woman who fell in love with a sniper.

he gunned her down in the last paragraphs, as she was leaving him. i am still not sure if he meant to do this. it was raining.

i finished it the day i turned 21 and em and i made martinis.

i threw the book against the wall.

just like old times, really i mean it

i woke up feeling pretty industrious today, cleaning the fish tank again (will someone please tell me where that brown stuff is coming from!) and moving the plants to the balcony again (this time they were cleaning the tiles on the roof.) but now, as the day is winding down and i still have 1 hour left of work, i feel my energy slipping away.

im wanting a beer right now.

i talked to greg tonight for a bit. hes doing well, very happy with his family and thinks the world of his daughter, hayley. we talked about high school and he said he knows he was really annoying back then; i laughed because i remember how things were those few years and the rules we made for the lunch table, specifically with greg in mind. rules like no burping at the table or talking about gross things had strict punishments, like leaving the table for a week. i cant say we ever enforced them, but we kept a scorecard, one mark per violation of a rule. he says that hes mellowed over the years and that he if he picked one person that he could transplant up to ny, it would be me. i said it was nice to be looked up and maybe i would see him on my usa trip later this year.

tomorrow im going to see a house that kristian is looking at, one he is thinking about buying. its an old house, built in 1926. it looks charming from the outside, but from what i hear, there are some major issues that will have to be fixed if he were to purchase it. the wiring will have to be redone (good thing his dad is an electrician) and there is no insulation in the house at all. apparently, it has been in the same family for years and was either sold or given away, back and forth among members of the family. the value of the home is significantly lower than the asking price, but with a good appraisal and a bit more info from his agent (a sister in his hall) he will probably make an offer soon. there is a huge amount of property and it could be easily split into another lot that could be sold, or in my opinion, made into a large garden where one could grow vegetables and herbs. theres also enough room for a few dogs and cats to roam, and kids to run, playing hide and seek.

but it will not be my home.

don't leave me high

when i got home, there was a message on my machine from my cousin greg. the first thing i thought was how grown up he sounded; ironic, since he is older than i am. the second thing i thought was how nice it was to be "looked up". tomorrow i plan to give him a call. ill let you know if he's the same good ol' crazy greg.

interesting that i get that call from greg, when just yesterday i was looking through the cardboard box labeled 'stephanies letters - do not read'. i didnt get caught up in reading too many of them, since i knew i would not accomplish what i needed to do, which was pare them down a bit and then put them into a storage container less likely to allow bugs while in storage.

but i couldnt helping looking at a few, and today, they are still on my mind.
letters from brian, giving me advice about how to feel happier in life and how he enjoyed his first concert, scorpians.
letters from kim, as she travelled all over the states with her grandparents, with tidbits of gossip strewn throughout - always ending with LILACS or BFF.
letters from melissa, written on work stationery; one was only a week or so after she moved out, it was no doubt meant to reassure me, but only made me miss her more. another that wrote about a sad night she was having, another full of witty remarks, while another helped me get a raise from my job while commenting on my english short story.
letters from emily, telling me she loved me, in her fast, hurried script. notes handed between classes, notes passed at the meetings (hehe). notes with questions about others, and who was coming over this weekend?
letters from deb, a graduation card she made with her own drawings. a letter she wrote to me when i was in CA, saying she missed me, her print fastidious and proper, and always a little drawing to the side. (some things never change)
even a note or two from andrew. i am sorry but his are sort of hard to read. something about ninj turturs. hehe
several from him, full of lies.
two from him, telling me he wished we had talked about what happened that summer.
a postcard and a letter from him, making me feel nostalgic for what never existed.

and then, with exasperation, i closed the lid.

no. 2

today is like any other day. im sitting a lot, drinking my one cup of coffee and then searching my desk for something that looks interesting and can occupy my time while i zone out for an hour.

pencils are pretty amazing inventions, arent they?

isnt it magnificent? 

(books not included) 

when life gives you lemons, you have some options in how you could use them

theres been a lot on my mind and i havent had the chance to unload some of it on these pages. i feel i have exhausted the topic of my job elimination (i cringe to even write those words) and so this will be the last post to speak of it. i am considering a few options; if you would like, continue reading below. if not, ill understand.
option 1 (most appealing): place all my stuff in storage and take a road trip for a month or two. (why leave off what happens after the trip? because it seems right to do it - endless possibilities)
option 2 (very unsure about timeframes): renew my lease one last time, for only 6 months. stay here through septemberish and hope to find another job with a comparable salary.
option 3 (realistic? i think not): buy a house now, while i have a job. for some reason, the thought of having a house makes me feel more secure. its probably because i still do not grasp how much money they truly cost.
option 4 (nearly forgot this one, hmm): try to secure a job within the company at the brandon site or orlando site. i would have to relocate obviously, stay with parents for a bit or get my own place? room with andrew? (his job is close to where the orlando site is) this option would move significantly higher on my list if my manager were to accept the offer she has to go there, and i, uhm, could work for her still. crazy, but shes that good.
option 5 (now im really stretching): make a living selling stuff on ebay and get a parttime job at a nursery and/or take the grant provided by the bank and learn a new trade.
option 6 (most likely to happen): become homeless and sit outside the 711 across from the chase site, just waiting for card to reopen so i can be the first in line.

do i really love my job that much, you ask? thats really a loaded question. i love those that i work with and it saddens me to think that soon we will have to separate. i love those satisfying moments at work, the times we catch the fraud, or one of my staff gets promoted, or even just the normal day to day interaction with my team, knowing that i have helped them in one way or another. i am objective about my job; there are really a lot of times i want to walk out the door or feel like im drained of everything and still, they want more and more. there are those not so fun, uhm, terminations. there are those moments when i feel ive failed and let others down. oh, and i would love to glance at the clock and not jerk if its close to the half hour.

really though, i wanted to be the one to say good bye if it came to that.

you can always ask me if you have questions about my options. this site will go back to its normal, wordy peregrinations - no more talk of severance, unemployment or the like. although, you can be sure it will be on my mind.

why does it always rain on me?

not a good night to be listening to travis.

and then tampa was no more...

i feel a little worried, a little queasy.

an old life..

why is it hard to pick up again with old friends, ones you perhaps have not seen in years? i dont think i ever meant to stop the friendship and well, is it really one person's fault if it does? what is the point of "catching up"? is it to hang out again, to talk again on the phone? or does it sooth us in some way to know we reached out, even if its just a few emails or phone calls?

i guess its hard for me to reacquaint myself with a person who's been close by all along and didnt stay in contact. im not saying i really cared either, or i would have been the one making the phone calls or visits. i know people do grow apart. and i know we cant have an in-depth relationship with each person who's sparked something within us.

what i would like is to go past those old relationships, into something new. to see if that person is really the same way my memories recall, or maybe even a better one. perhaps giving new life to an old friendship is not anything of which to be afraid.

as for me, know me for who i am now. its the only true thing; forget the recollections.

the thugs broke your legs

i have an overwelming need to write, but not type. i have sharpened pencils, found cap erasers and straightened stacks of clean white paper for the last half hour. something about stationery really gets me ... going.
i go between the pencils and pens to the stylus and dope.

blog question

purely technical question: how do i add side boxes for additional comments in my blog?
see this blog for an example: http://damomma.blogspot.com/

seasons may change, winter to spring

decisions were made for me today.

twittering..

its a cool overcast morning today and im home, just thinking about the day to come.
i would love to just stay home and take pictures of all the creatures on hillys.
i dreamt about ezra. ive been working on this puzzle. i got a new tree. next month i will be in a cabin with my family.
i have a difficult decision to make today at work.
it sounds like i have new birds in the trees. i think ill visit them on my way out.

see you soon, deb

what a great weekend! deb even helped me get those picture frames up, just like i wanted. we saw an interesting movie, had our favorite meal and had a good walk around the neighborhood park. she is much better than i with crossword puzzles.

my apartment seems to have faded.