"since no one can ever give the exact measure of his needs, nor of his conceptions, nor of his sorrows; and since human speech is like a cracked tin kettle, on which we hammer out tunes to make bears dance when we long to move the stars."
madame bovary, Flaubert

momma, im coming home

the town where i grew up is small and small-minded. the first time i was pulled over happened there (and the second time, too) and the cop said there was too much dancing going on while driving. oh, and the music was kinda loud. we lived across from a small airport and i waited tables at an antique-y tea shop. it was quiet, and had long, flat and dusty roads, stretching deep between orange trees and cattle fields.

in a few weeks, im going back for a weekend. question is, should i order the famous tea room salad or just have key lime pie?

nearly a week ago, i booked it. and with debbie's encouragment, i will be gone a month.

just a few photos i found and tried to brighten, darken and otherwise make presentable.

me like me. 

me in charcoal. 

me in watercolor.

memories, of the way iowa was

boy, is it another hot day. i hope this means i will have more tomatoes in the end.

i have, in lieu of the season, started a new habit, one that i probably should have been doing already, but lacked the motivation: sunscreen, everyday, no matter what. ive only sunbathed a handful of times in my life and i quickly realized that there was a lot of pain involved when my pale skin only turned red, peeled and went back to being white. the bad sunburns, well, those were the result of carelessness or laziness, and thinking i could beat the sun. but yesterday, when scanning the sunscreen shelves, i realized things have come a long way since i was 10 and frying myself at the beach (despite my moms best efforts). in florida, the sunscreen and skincare areas are pretty big, and this store was no exception. several non-greasy formulas, up to 55 SPF, covering uva and uvb rays... protection from both are important, for one causes cancer and the other fine lines and wrinkles.

it must be that cancer is on my mind; every time i rub that sunscreen on my face i always, always go over my ears twice and every time i think about my grandfather, who lost an ear to skin cancer and then his life, because it had metastasized to his brain. of course, he was a farmer and im (currently) a putterer (ask my bro in law nat about that one). despite that, im still high-risk for skin cancer.

• Fair complexions that burn or blister easily. (yep.)
  
• Blonde or red hair. (not really.)
  
• Blue, green or gray eyes. (yes. green to some, blue to others)
  
• Excessive sun exposure during childhood and teen years or blistering sunburns before age 20. (uh huh.)
  
• A family history of melanoma. (well, yes.)
  
• More than 100 moles on your body; 50 if you are under age 20. (no, thank goodness.)
  

so.
5 years after my grandfather died, my grandmother died of liver cancer.

it seems there are some places you just cant protect.

cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind

it is rare these days that i have trouble sleeping. rare, at least, to the point that i get up and start looking through the sizable blue trunk that takes up space in my bedroom. i know ive mentioned it lately... giving away and getting rid of things... it seems its taken me awhile to feel comfortable letting go.

so these days, its quite easy. i make a quick judgement and usually its a decision to say goodbye. really, i should clarify: i am a saver. i keep things, i always have, little mementos of my life, and over the years these items have accumulated so much so that ... well, how many 5th grade papers does a person actually need to remember what it was like in ms. auburn's class? answer: none. unless they are particularly good writing.

the items rediscovered tonight range from old magazines with david duchovny on the cover, years past assembly programs and a slew of half-used notebooks. it seems i have a problem with buying new notebooks before finishing the old ones. but i have already admitted my issues with stationary.

an alarming but not altogether surprising discovery was a childish poem, arguing the benefits and drawbacks of suicide. there, at thirteen years old, in my best trying-to-be-adult handwriting.

there were poems that emily wrote, ones that i will not post. there were notes that i wrote to emily. this one was definitely passed back and forth at an assembly, and it looks like i used it to blot my lipstick too.
me: there are gobs of men waiting for you.
em: more like gobbly men waiting for me.
me: you mean men waiting to eat you? i cant wait! for both of us.
dont you love the sisterly encouragement?

i also found a contract of sorts: to whom it may concern, emily and i, stephanie, hereby swear that we will never, even under severe temptation, look at one another's documents that we have stored away in our files. it is an oath we will keep until we agree to let the other look, or 'til the day we die.
this we signed and dated.
im dying to know what was in my file.

i cant help but think its good to look back, to read thoughts that i forgot i had and to realize that life even then, wasnt all too great. it might cure me of this unnecessary nostalgia, while at the same time, create a willingness to move forward. movement that i havent welcomed for a long while.

dont wake me, i plan on sleeping in

i am excited. i cant help it really.
how can i possibly wait 6 weeks for my next trip?

honestly, im getting to the point of not telling many people that i plan to leave again. i can only imagine how i would look at a person in my situation: eyes green with envy and all that. i would also think that said person should focus on the more important things, and not just plan trip after trip while the rest of us are slaving away just to take care of bills and put food on the table and havent had a true vacation in years, much less ever been to hawaii or europe, even much much less both places in the space of a month and ... well, you get the point. i wouldnt have much mercy on a person in my place. really, i wouldnt. and so i dont blame others for asking me if im 'still living a life of leisure' and ill put up with their half-wondering, half-exasperated head shakes.

and ill send them a postcard.

the future grabs my throat and lets me know its alright

things are actually disappearing. and the best thing? i couldnt tell you whats gone.

i finally smashed the black and blue discs.
tons of paperwork in the trash.
many boxes filled.

im preparing.

the dilemma is still here, however. somehow, i think it will become clearer as time goes on. OR, TN or orlando. TN, OR or orlando. orlando, TN or OR. actually those are not the only choices. there are a world of choices. but why should i avoid living near at least some of my family, even if i cant choose all of them? perhaps back to tampa. perhaps somewhere totally out of my current scope of thinking.

ill be ready.

this is weird.

'and i said to myself, 'ima try it' and i thank god that i did.' - 1800 ask gary commercial

this woman may be onto something. just try it.

i tried my hardest to smile

i have a few tee shirts that are so close to being tossed, i cant stand it. each time i wear them, one with the happy/sad little bunnies, one with a vodka brand on the chest, i think to myself 'you are going right into the trash because its just not right to keep wearing you with your thinning cloth and worn material'. and each time, i wash them again and lovingly fold them and they never make it to the rag box.

i am wearing one now.
bright yellow with the message 'he's dead, jim!'
and me not even a star trek fan.

my neighbors drive back and forth all day in their chevy truck. i think they drink and drive, unless that was a root beer.

why dont they share? its obvious i could use a drink.

wear me like a locket

nothing beats a cold shower and a soak in a tub full of cold water on a hot hot day.

nothing but perhaps air conditioning that actually cools and stays in the house.

im really not complaining. afterall, its not like i need to be anywhere special during the week, other than meeting/service. and i really could turn on the a/c and probably be pretty comfortable. im sure i will at some point this summer, but right now i would rather not. just call me a florida native. a pioneer of the old way of life. a crazy hot person.

check out ed harcourt.

lonliness, what would i do without you?

its very fun trying to stay on this exercise ball, too.

just call me dwight.

hair of the dog that bit you

man, that steel reserve goes straight to your head. talk about a cheap thrill.

couple that with a little lcd soundsystem and you have one happy girl.

of course, all good things must come to an end. i had to switch to homebrew, which is very good, but who knows the alcohol content. im sure the neighbors are amused to see me dancing on the porch. i think my cats are a little afraid of me right now. i really thought they would like to play with the empty almond can; i didnt mean to hit puppy.

'you gotta set them up.
and never let them go'

perhaps a liquid diet is the way to go afterall.

i could have sworn that i smelled ozone in the air on the way home tonight, but there is no sight of rain.

i only wanted to take a bath.

the fight was beginning and i was caught in the middle. i looked up to see troops marching down the road, dust rising with so many feet.

i was found, chased and whipped.

and then i woke to a cat mewing morosely, reminding me of the headache i fell asleep with.

ribbons undone

of course i was excited and still am. and i definitely didnt forget. just needed a little more connection speed to do it justice.

i am the proud aunt to my new neice, Vianne.

vianne likes quiet days spent with her mom and dad, loves huge yawns, and abhors being changed. she was 8 lbs, 7 oz. and 19 3/4 inches long at the time of birth and is now almost 2 weeks old.

she joins my utterly cute and very fast nephew, Zeph. together they are quite a team.