yup yup

yay! debbies coming over tonight!

no harm, just another false alarm

'last night i dreamt that somebody loved me' - morrissey

last night i dreamt that morrissey was at the old house, looking about 20, and singing for the crowd on my rooftop. he gave me a one-armed hug and turned crooning to the audience. as far as i could tell, i was the only one there.

delaying the agony

the new date (as we all knew there would be) is january 15, 2005. oh look, thats on a saturday too.

oh yes the excedrin is kicking in...

theres this woman ive known only for a few months, but she seems to look right through me. she knows im a sham.

today is overcast and cool. i woke up to my coffee (2 excedrin) and read a little. i got the garbage ready to go - there is this totally brown soft-looking thing in the bottom corner, but at least the bag is not leaking. today promises to be a busy day, but then again there are plans to send some staff home as needed. so, busy for me no doubt, but not so much for them. *sigh*

the 1st is around the corner. should i call my manager bright and early and see what she has to say about the site closures? 'oh sorry did i wake you?' (evil grin into the receiver) 'i really was just wondering about the safety of my livelihood, i.e my JOB. do i still have one? 'cause i got a ton of stuff on my 'if i still have a job' list. thing i want to buy, man! so spill it. we've only been waiting at the edge of our seats for months now.'
i wouldnt.
would i? : ) maybe if its a drunk-dial.

andrew - whaddya think? 

break a silver lining

im anxious these days to document my life, to capture a bit of myself before the world moves on. really, im just wary of how the days turn into months and the months into years... of late, it seems to move faster than i can comprehend. i need more time to truly look at myself.

photos.
thoughts recorded.
music that floods the heart with memories.
landscape, looking as desperate or hopeful as i.

cold! i am sure that my toes will not recover. joe suggest socks and he has experience with abnormal tempuratures. the plants are all huddled together inside, looking out at the balcony with wistful expressions on their leaves. its cozy enough for me, as long as i keep moving or stay under the comforter. he cradles me with his downy arms and whispers soothing stories of days gone by in my ear, until im fast asleep.

im so sad like a good book

and i ride along side
and i rode along side
you then
and i rode along side
'til you lost me there
in the open road
and i rode along side
'til the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it

from collectibles to recollections

this morning the air is thick and heavy with moisture. occasionally, a cool breeze slips through the grey cloud cover and makes it way through my window. that was really what got me up - not the fact that i have to work today, or the chiro appt that i have before work. it felt like a fever; hot and damp and then cool and shivering.

i have a feeling it will soon break and the rain will come.

i have started to go through my things and determine what i should sell, donate or simply get rid of. i thoroughly believe that one woman's trash (or clutter that needs to be gone) is another woman or man's glorious find (or something they could tolerate having in their own collection). cds are stacked up, movies and even some books. if i list some items here, perhaps one or two of them will be something you would like to have. for those that i know, i would love to give it to you.

but, as for the collection of 'little rascal' episodes on vhs - those i will be keeping. in fact, as i write this, it hits me that i dreamt about lisa last night. she had that sparkle in her eye like she always did but her body was how i remembered it, ravaged by a disease called cancer. melissa, ezra was also there and lisa met him, talked to him and im sure made a comment about how much he resembles you. she may have even told the story about how you got lost on the beach that one summer day and how frantic she was to find you. and that ezra had better learn from his mother's experience; said with a smile and that laugh that we all loved and distinguished her from all others.

i dont really think she said all that in my dream, but she was there. my mind made up the rest and right now, my lucidity tells me that she would have said those things had she lived to see ezra. lisa is gone for now, asleep in death, but she would have loved to meet your son. i hope one day she will - in the world that is yet to come.

oh, can i not grasp.. can i not save?

i dreamt of an old man, one who looked about 70 and had a mean cough. we danced and laughed and i fell in love with him. before the dream was even over, i felt his loss.

i dreamt i was pregnant, with a round smooth belly. emily was too and we were shopping. when i woke, it came to me that 9 months doesn't nearly seem enough - when the time comes, do you want both to delay and welcome it?

life without fraud could be rewarding

there are certain songs that you should not play unless you are willing to succumb to them and the emotions they evoke. giddy, morose, introspective.

i choose zak and sara. instead, i will remember pulling over to watch the fireworks.

i have decided that if my job is eliminated, i will put all my things in storage (surely, i can afford 60$ a month) and say goodbye to my apartment. the closet with all the posters will have to be slowly dismantled. the books will be packed away to become the unavoidably heavy boxes. the pictures picked out so carefully stashed away, hiding the faces i love.

i will leave.

the romance of the idea! i will drive into the sunset, wave to the neighbors out with their dogs and take to the road. em, prepare the spare room and melissa, throw some blankets on the extra bed. debbie, make the bunk bed; i prefer the top. the next knock at your door might be me.

walk with me, walk with you

"how do you pick up the threads of an old life? how do you go on? and in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back. there some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep - that have taken hold."

-frodo baggins
'the return of the king'

cookbook of countries

turns out, i have a pretty good sense of what swedish men are like, or at least, what these men would be like. witty, intelligent and well, one had bedhead that sorta looked windswept. robin impressed me with a polenta, swedish-style and helped do the dishes. andrew made some eggs and patrick drank coffee and told us the swedish words for different items around the house: cafe=coffee (that one was obvious) and canut=canoe (they went to weeke wachee spring today).

as robin said, thats really the best part of a trip, getting to meet new people and talk to them about their life and yours.

not to mention, sharing some really good recipes. :)

being in america

so tonight, after several phone calls - 'hello! we are at daale mabrry!' - in the cutest swedish accent you ever could hear, we finally came to a plan. im not sure whats keeping my brother, but he should also be arriving in town shortly. i hope they are comfortable on the pull-out couch. are swedes comfortable inside? i picture men with windswept hair, ruddy cheeks and fair, light eyes. i see them at home in the mountains, sturdy as goats on a craggy outcrop of rocks. i mean to say, they seem like the outdoorsy type. i will let you know if my stereotype is anywhere near to the truth.

i wonder what they like to eat?

every bench reveals a picture

its very quiet here, at my apartment. there is only the sound of the wind and the low rustle of the trees moving. i sat on the balcony a little today, admiring the grand old aloe with its long, spiky leaves. i have to get through this dark tower book relatively quick - its overdue almost a week now and i have about 400 pages to go. i will not tarnish my library record if i can avoid it.

im waiting for em and zeph, trying to tidy the place and baby-proof what i can.

i toasted some squash seeds, a good healthy snack. the same snack i took to the bench at the park next door the other week. there i sat, really unsure of how i was feeling; whether it was just a sad mood or a clinging cloud that ive been trying to ignore. i was undecided, but still content in those few moments. the sun was a warm, sympathetic beam on my neck and shoulders. for a half a moment, it was all i felt.

or your name is mud

why do i always have to dodge the sprinklers on saturday night? every time, for a split second, i consider embracing them instead; getting soaked instead of slightly spattered.

we were a group of ragtag kids that day - bored and going stir-crazy. it had been raining nearly everyday the last few weeks and the ground was so saturated, that the water was collecting into several large puddles, one area resembling a small, shallow pond. the ground was squishy no matter where you stepped and the mud was pleasantly forced through our toes. we went outside to investigate, see if there were any tadpoles brewing and generally survey the land that was our yard. indy was with us and he was just as eager as we were to get rambunctious; he had always been the most energetic of all the dogs we've had. within minutes, we forgot about the wild life. the mud had enticed us, lured us. there was no way we could have resisted. we rolled in it. we threw it. we ran through it, all around the house, our legs pumping hard to come unstuck. we chased indy and he chased us. and oh, how we laughed! the yard became a mess of muddy, broken grass and dirty water and our clothes were streaked with dark brown.
and then, when we could run no longer, we traipsed to the front door and shook ourselves off - only to find the door had been locked. a parent called out a window that the door would remain impassable until we were clean enough to enter. so, we did the only thing we could do; we caught our breath, rested our shaky limbs for a moment and got ready for a new fling in the mud.

tiss? tiss? tiss da ear?

this past week, life was good. i spent nearly every day with my visiting sisters, had a good few hours each day wrestling with nephews that loved 'crash landings' and books, not to mention getting in a little snuggle-action, too. now my head hits the pillow and im instantly asleep.

and the funs not over yet.

emily is coming over on sunday and bringing, of course, little zeph with her. what a cutie. and zeph is cute too. :)

im happy that the bros-in-law spared their lovely wives for a week or more. it was certainly a highlight of my year.

see how little it take to make aunt teffie happy?

an image of last night's lunar eclipse.. www.photosig.com/ go/photos/browse?id=15967 

im not living.. im just

I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
To wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just don't leave
Don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave
Don't leave

Just don't leave
Don't leave

keep the light! i fear the coming of night and with it, sorrow.

if you lay on the rug that stretches down the length of my small hallway, you are afforded an interesting view of my apartment. from the bedroom with the comforter thrown half-way off the bed, to a small patch of the living room, with the leaves of the ficus tree very green against the walls.. its even a cozy spot to rest when one is restless.

shallow breathing

im home today and thoroughly tethered to a book. i dread reading the upcoming chapters because, although i know the story well, i fear reliving the story. i will push on.

im fortified with toast but lost among the words.

its good to have a story to escape too - if theres not a bound form handy, i always have those that are in my mind. is it healthy to dream so much?

dreaming does at least get my mind off the rumors that i will lose my job in the next few months. it does cover over the fact that im not too happy these days. and i can always count on them to help me slip into oblivion every night. maybe its only unhealthly if you are stuck in those dreams and unable or unwilling to return to the waking world. i cant say that the idea isnt appealing.

perhaps one day, you will see me in your dreams - waving to you from my own, saying hello, how are you, with a look of complete content on my face.

and then joe you were telling me sure, you would water the plants, and that there is a houlihans in boston.

untold

'you dont know it yet, but you and i have a secret,' i thought as he walked by. i smiled.

gooooo red sox!

oh, did i mention how cool it is that the red sox won? i actually know a few things about baseball now so if you feel like being regaled with a play-by-play, gimme a call. a plus was seeing jeter's face at one point in the game, looking very aggravated. usually, hes just dead-pan on the field. hes a lousy tipper, too.

does anyone know when the series starts?

(ok, so im not totally aware of everything yet)

just ... working.. the pizza down...

i should not have eaten cicis pizza this late at night.
i really should not have drank that pepsi, either.

now i will be hyper and the whole cycle will start over tomorrow night. please pray for me.

on the other hand, i have the energy to make up labels here at work on the company's dime, labels for just about everything i own. i also print stuff in color just so i can muse at the glorious beauty of it, not to mention catching up on the blogs i follow and this posting. i guess being here until 10 isnt all bad. just wish i had brought my coloring books.

hey, im looking for a new hair style. please post your recommendations for me. i just ask that you do not suggest mullets, etc. thanks.

i cant make out the bible book, but as best as i can manage this one reads, 'it is sometimes to your advantage to die than to live' sometimes, i tend to agree.

you have a bible, you can look up phil 1:21. the quote on the bottom is pretty much taken from that text, 'for me death is my gain.' (i risked a flash near the end) 

this is one of the best views. flash photography was not allowed so most turned out dim.  

the walls were made up of femurs and skulls - tossed behind them were the rest of the bones 

the skull i caressed seemed to have a bullet hole through the forehead 

loosely translated, this doorway says 'stop! here is the kingdom of the dead.' for more info on the catacombs, visit http://triggur.org/cata/ 

heres a picture of a picture. some silly boat cruise down the river seine. i fell asleep. 

home lovers

so id like to buy a house and i have a few questions:

do i need a real estate agent?
how much do they cost?
is it safe for me to live alone in a house?
is it true that 90% of first-time home owners die in their first year? (j/k)
i want more property than home- about how much will 1 acre and a small house cost me in pasco?
how much are the fees up front?
can i get extra money from the government?
should i buy now while i still have a job?
what will be my downpayment?
how much money would the bank loan me?

owning a home is not the fulfillment of the "american dream" for me. i think thats crap propagated by the government to get the american people in heavier debt so the GDP will go up. (for details about how we are headed for the real Great Depression, please call me)
still im attracted to the thought of having my own place, my own yard and plenty of walls. i would love some input from all you home-owners out there. should i stay or should i go?

"the most important things are the hardest things to say. they are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. but its more than that, isn't it? the most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. and you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought that it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. thats the worse, i think. when the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

-steven king, the body

baseball, who knew it?

last night my atrocious headache kept me from watching the last 3 innings of the game. not sure why i was even watching it in the first place, really. i couldnt call myself a baseball fan at all, though i do own a red sox tee (thanks joe). either way, i missed seeing their win and laid in bed instead, willing my head to stop hurting.

my thoughts turned to the years i worked at houlihans, while trying to forget the throbbing; memories undoubtedly sparked by seeing someone i used to work with at the restaurant at the blues show last night. i reminisced about a few people i was glad to have met... chris, greg, mark, kent, andrea, andie...until i was distracted yet again by a noise outside, like the creeping of a small animal, and being so awake with the pain and the caffeine in the excedrin that was just starting to seep into my system, i took a look outside. sorry, dear reader, i did not see anything. but i sensed whatever it was, just inside the copse of trees. i watched for a few minutes and the air was cool and soothing. for awhile, i believed it might be my kitty friend (who, by the way, is doing well. i said hello to him last night in the parking lot), but i think it is something bigger than a domestic cat. the noises continued through the night, with breaking twigs, rustling leaves and shuffling steps. i woke again at 5:30 am with several mosquito bites on the appendages i had left out of the covers- neck, face and foot. in my stupor, i had left the screen door open and one resourceful mosquito, drawn by the carbon dioxide i exhaled, feasted on a relatively quiet victim. i killed it a few minutes later and wiped my own blood off the wall, surprised my aim was good enough to get him on the first try. when i fell asleep again, i got in a few hours of good rem, ending with a rather spicy dream, involving a very forward japanese man who looked suspiciously like matsui.

some how, in the end, i made it back to baseball.

today

"a name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one's being born."

ecclesiastes 7:1

its friday

how i love friday mornings. so quiet and peaceful.
how i hate friday afternoons. so hectic and maddening.

i will try to write more of my experiences later today. for now, i will try to enjoy the remainer of my grain toast and coffee with cream.

the rain has arrived.

sigh

je suis à la maison.

i can feel the soil falling over my head

its so easy to laugh, its so easy to hate. it takes strength to be gentle and kind.
its so easy to laugh, its so easy to hate. it takes guts to be gentle and kind.

love is natural and real
but not for you, my love, not tonight, my love
love is natural and real
but not for such as you and i, my love.

a friend in need

i have some company now through the rest of the storm- i found a kitten on the stairs crying at the rain about an hour ago. shes now made herself quite comfortable on a blanket in the closet. just like andrew said, she needed some TLC and H&H. (half and half) :)

im in a bottle, but jeannes out there

*sigh* i wish my family were here. they apparently wanted to "hunker down" with the best of them, and stayed behind in orlando. it may have been a good idea since hurricane jeanne went south of them, on its westerly track, not turning north until they were out of the path. still, they are having strong winds there now, 71 mph! winds have steadily increased here in lutz and, as it turns out, the hurricane is coming straight towards me.

i knew i would get a lucky break one of these storms.

im home, obviously, but not by force though. i am packing for my trip and so far i have my money belt and passport ready. oh, and a paperback book i found at work. oh and, well.. thats it actually. i really need to focus. focus, now, focus...

sorry, suitcase, the wind is distracting me. its blowing ferociously in bursts and the trees i love so dearly are bending as if doing some twisted type of curtsy, bowing to the fury of jeanne. (pretty good metaphor, huh, or is it analogy?) either way, i hope they survive. jeanne's bloody eye is expected in lutz around noon. 2.5 hours countdown begins!

you would think im actually happy about this hurricane, wouldnt you? i admit my heart has greatly desired this.

perhaps i will learn my lesson the hard way. i just heard a tree snap and the lights are beginning to flicker. i feel more like an observer of this storm, snug in my living room with a mug of coffee, watching it as if its happening somewhere else and not in my backyard. others are not so fortunate.

because i want to see people and i want to see lights

take me out tonight
oh take me anywhere, i dont care i dont care
and in the darkened underpass
i thought oh god my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i just couldnt ask)

there is a light that never goes out

The Smiths
The Queen is Dead

i do so want to go home.

the smell in the air of cut grass and memories

a lovely morning today, cool and breezy! of course, they began cutting the grass in the midst of my last hour of sleep, which was a bit noisy. i have a few things on my mind. 1) my upcoming trip and packing, 2) work and the list that i need to accomplish there, 3) hurricane jeanne - of course theres a storm on my mind, or else i couldnt be called a floridian, and 4) uhm, hmm.. my coffee and this little debbie snack ive been staring at.

this weekend is absolutely it- i must finish packing (i havent even begun) and i have to get a certain amount of work completed at my job. i do work a day and a half next week, but i dont really plan on "being" there. :) then if jeanne comes close to orlando, i will have some transplants visiting me on sunday. mom and dad are the type to flee to the mountains, but deb, cam and andrew love to ride these things out. i suppose im more of a rider myself, but when it comes to doing it alone, i would rather have some company. then again, you can be alone in a house full of people, especially if you are the only one in the hallway with a book, taking heed of each and every tornado warning issued. and then there is the issue of this debbie snack...

i was thinking that i should be able to blog once or twice while on my trip, maybe even post a few photos. either way, i will have loads of photos on my return. i was also wondering if my plants will make it without me watering them for 9 days. hmm, now thats a new dilemma.. and chris, whats a good fertilizer for the ficus tree?

see you at the 11 am update for jeanne.

back to the old house

i went to arcadia tuesday with deb and mom. it was devastating to see the damage from charley. the familiar afternoon downpour made the town look even more bleak, with hard and fast raindrops blowing side-ways against the glass as we sat inside with our lunch. our old house is in shambles, but i dont think thats it all to do with the hurricane. we made a few circles around it, with deb taking pictures from the passenger side. images from my childhood superimposed themselves over the current state of the house, but it wasnt enough to delete the overwhelming sense of disrepair. the garage door is hanging literally on one hinge and the grass is high in both front and back yards. there is a big oak down, too. sadly, i think that it was the only one of those oaks that lined airport road that was easy to climb.

there are new post-office boxes in the middle of all the streets, on the one road that runs perpendicular to the fruit streets. maybe they replaced them that way because of damage? the treeline is so drastically changed throughout the entire town, that i could hardly recognize some of the main streets.

the weather has cooled here considerably, enough so i can sleep with my windows open to enjoy the breezes. it hasnt been restful sleep, though, and the last few days i have found myself awake before dawn, sleepily looking up from my bed out my window at the early morning sky. there were a few bright stars strung among the grey and blue of the horizon, and vaguely i recognized orion and his belt, even though my mind was still fuddled with dreams. the sight lasted for but a moment before i turn and close my eyes again, but its as if i had gazed upon it for hours. the trees are swaying and a bird calls with a song i do not know. the morning insects start to wake, even while the traffic begins to hum in the distance. the sun is near, but i still sleep.

maybe thats why i cant get to work on time these days.

change is good

i am thinking about changing my blog address. a certain person recently threatened to take every thing ive written and distribute it at work, which made me feel more than a little nervous about my posts. im really dont think i have any constant readers, but for those that do come and peruse, im sure i will let you know the new address if it comes to that. for the person that threatened me, you know who you are and why you must be punished with exile.

life these days has been a mix of slow, lazy days and intense, fast-paced work days. im getting ready for my trip; trying to get things together now so it doesnt come down to the night before and i find myself scrambling to locate my passport. i always make a list when it comes to packing and then i usually discard it somewhere along the line when i begin to pack too many clothes and things i "might" need.

i hope it goes well, with no custom issues or dogs smelling our bags. i heard a bit of good news; i get my own room. perhaps i will order room service or make prank phone calls. do they have laws against that over there?

tomorrow my parents and brother are coming over. yay! im glad to have them for company and plus, they are bringing the entertainment shelf that they gave me when they moved. i had the shelf before, when i still lived at home. deb and i had a bitter fight over it and she just would not budge, insisting that she should get to keep it, instead of me taking it to my new place. i backed down, impressed, but a little frightened. she was always so cute when she was fiesty, but dont tell her i said so.

gotta run, its reading-time.

tired... 

the words you scribbled on the walls...

where.. i.. am...
my palms are sweaty, im barely listening...

my mother called me tonight, her voice changing quickly from one of cheerful hellos to somber warnings. 'i want you to come here this weekend', she said, her voice breaking slightly. i know, i know. another hurricane. the path has actually changed a lot from yesterday and it does seem it will veer out into the gulf, perhaps crashing into an unsuspecting texas or louisiana. its sad how floridians these days talk about upper winds and well-defined eyes as enthusiastically as the weathermen on the tv.

whereas i, i talk about taking a boat into the gulf and seeing if i can ride out the waves. or at least, i could stand in my parking lot and see if i can stand up straight as the winds come in.

ladders and men

im glad that my instincts, even when in a sleep stupor, are pretty sharp. 20 minutes after closing the blinds looking over my bed, the workmen came. i think they are finally going to be done with the painting, nearly 2 months after they started.

so i played the radio for them louder and made sure to keep away from the windows, should those blinds not really make me as invisible as i think.

meanwhile, mom, dad, andrew, em and chris risk their lives on white water in tennessee 

first trees to go 

some pics of the area here...eye of frances expected around 20:30 today 

270 miles E of Grand Turk

yeah, its past my bedtime. but the lightning is so bright and yes, im having trouble sleeping again. this night i am thinking about the new hurricane that is coming our way. this has been a stressful month for all of florida; first bonnie, then charley and now frances. they promise nasty weather for the whole state this weekend. and just when mom and dad were going to take a trip up to tennessee, too. i have a feeling that dad will be called upon to stay behind at his job, to be on-hand for any emergencies. and that makes me worried for him. leave mickey to fend for himself, dad! hes got an army of magical friends to help him, anyway.

soon enough florida will be under even more water and have even more stressed out residents. after this, we should all get a free therapy session.

check it

cant sleep again. theres a new hurricane, frances. wouldnt that be awful if it hit those areas that are still suffering from charley? it probably wont come my way, but still, tomorrow i will go shopping for my hurricane supplies (again).

the list
9 gallons of water
canned goods, like fruit cocktail - yummy!
batteries
hmm, now then what else?
i already have matches and candles and a good book
i have to find my flashlight. i know its around here somewhere...

http://hurricanealley.net/Storms/06LMDL01.html

looks like orlando may take another hit. come to my place this time, deb

what you keep inside, i know

the drive home was fast. i was lost in my thoughts and didnt see the storm until i drove into it. as much as i love the summertime rains, i am looking forward to some cool days in the fall. not too cold, mind you.

and then this evening ive been admonished. no longer can i hint about the things i could write about; its all or nothing. i dont really like that thought, but i suppose i could make an effort. is that all you wanted anyway?

to all you joe six-packs out there and my constant readers, come back for future revelations. and i will try to keep my disingenuousness at a minimum.

back effects

my back is groaning in protest at sitting so long today. and now i will be driving to orlando within the hour and im not looking forward to the road along the way. too much construction. tomorrow i think i may end up at a theme park. ugh. sometimes i enjoy parks, but more often than not, the people start to irritate me, the lines frustrate me and the characters walking around the park in fuzzy morbid suits, scare me.

but, i suppose, i will enjoy the company. some of my brit friends are in town and im determined to show them a good time while i have the time away from work. plus, it doesnt hurt to get on their good side, since i will be at their hospitable mercies only next month. ahh, london in september and paris in october. it doesnt get any better than croissants below the eiffel tower in the autumn months. comment 'allez vous? tres bien, merci. oh yes, very good, indeed.

thats another thing to think about; how much money will i exactly spend on this trip? 500? 1000? i think it just depends on what i find. kristian says that i should just bring enough to come home with no regrets. not like last time. then i wished i had bought the bag made out of a man's suit jacket at covent garden and when i sent the same visiting friend back to see if he could find it, it was long gone. then again, i would have been more overlimit when it was time to finally go home. i remember telling debbie with complete seriousness, "if we only have enough for one ticket, you go ahead." was i going to live there? make some money at the oslo airport panhandling? call thom and beg him to take me in? who knows. after all, i might be perfect but im also not norwegian. :)

i look to my eskimo friends..

i feel a bit restless tonight. the radios on and thom yorke is crooning as if to only me, but its not soothing. there is a haze around the moon, the same moon that kept me up last night with its bright glow, and im fidgety. yesterday i encouraged my sister to try out her own blog. i think she is concerned about others reading her thoughts. of course, i know that there are many things that i would never write in this blog. at this point, i could describe those thoughts and feelings that would fall under the 'do not write about' category, but i find even i cannot find words elusive enough to use. i fear being discovered.

i could write about the person that ive been thinking about lately.
i could tell you the dream i had this weekend that left me confused but oddly comforted.
and i should probably write about the shadow that hangs over my heart.

instead, i stick to the relatively safe topics. not because im afraid to share, but because i desperately want to be known. and you arent really listening, anyway.

this is ralph in his glory days. 

ralph, as he wanted to be remembered

beloved friend and mouse, trusted pet and avid crawler- my cute companion, ralph the mouse, died this week. he died of apparent natural causes, surrounded by the pine shavings he knew so well. he is survived by 1021 sisters and brothers, 10 aunts and 15 uncles and numerous cousins. he had children as well, but they have since made their own way in the world.

ralph was a spirited mouse, full of energy and a love of acting, his chosen profession. he is most commonly known for his role in the film 'mouse', which made him a legend in his own right. he became very close to the writer and director of that film, k. korner, even spending weekends with korner's family. he never let fame get to his head though, and acted as any mouse would during his days. he loved life and good food - he enjoyed puppy chow the best.

in the end, ralph led a fulfilling life, bringing joy to all those that held his furry little body and stroked his soft belly. thanks for the memories, ralph. i will miss you.

this is only a test. if this were an emergency, the water lilies would have machine guns. 

NNE at 26mph, winds exceeding 145 mph

hi. things have changed. my town was spared but others, less prepared and ill-warned, were not. i am sad for those that lost. i fight the urge to go back to the town that saw me grow up and give whatever material things i have, and whatever comfort i can bring. but i know that i have to wait. meanwhile, i bide my time, waiting to get a phone call from my aunt, everyday saying to her in my mind how glad i am that shes safe.

last ill and testify!

for my last will and testament, i hearby bequeath the following of my material possessions:

to emily, my barbie collection, my radio and cds and other pseudo-decorative items
to chris, my bug collection and my vacuum cleaner.
to zeph, my other toys (legos included) split between ezra and the miniature classic books.

to melissa, my journals, my towels and all my books, minus other bequeathed books.
to nat, my ability to fib like the wind and my pencil collection.
to ezra, my other toys split with zeph and my nancy drew books (trust me, boys can love her too)

to debbie, my globe and my desk, along with all my stationary products.
to cameron, my organizer and rolodex, also my posters and cure t-shirts.

to andrew, my cell phone, madlib collection and my map of the world.
to mom and dad, my photo albums and tvs, along with my treadmill.
to kimberlea, my games and my wish that we could have started over.
to robbie, my guitar and my straw broom.
to dan and peanut, my chalkboard, my wines and my swingline stapler.

to kristian, all items from my kitchen, my herbal garden and one picture of how we were.

the edit

i feel i should edit the last blog because the wedding was beautiful and extravagant, and so well done. i was able to keep my critical nature to myself as i cut a rug on the dance floor with my family. josh looked so happy and could not stop smiling. i have never seen him smile so much. absolutely, that was the happiest day of his life.

things are well, even now that im back. im dreaming of a new place, with cool breezes in the summertime and new birdcalls to listen to at night. yes, california is crowded, full of a lot of rich people that are mostly snobby and the traffic is a nightmare. but i still can imagine what it must be like to live there and absorb the tranquility of the countryside. probably i am falling in love.

running to the future

tomorrow is my flight. the sky is stark white but there is thunder and bright flashes of lightning every few minutes. the rain hasn't started yet- soon, though, im sure. every flash makes me look up in fright, the lightning breaking into my space and thoughts with, literally, a bolt. i am contemplating the wedding that will happen this weekend. thom is online and we discuss it for a bit, he says he loves irony and hates fancy weddings. i say i will make the most of it; secretly envious while outwardly criticizing the extravagance. He says to me 'that's my girl'. honestly, i really don't know what to expect. weddings always leave me with an odd feeling of detachment. everyone is extremely emotional and i wish sometimes i could read the true feelings that each person is carrying. and im extremely glad that they cant read mine, however visible it might be on my face.
im overcome. rather, i will be. ill have to let you know with what, exactly, later on.
so in the meantime, forward my messages, feed Ralph and keep the lightning at bay. i will be fighting a different intruder.

echoes

my eyes are scratchy and dull. im yawning every few seconds, but i still cant sleep. andrew gives me a link to a picture hes doodling on the web and the colors hes used are varying shades of blue, soothing like waves of water. it looks like picasso's swimming pool with an abstractly shaped dolphin swimming in it's depths. i am staring at it now, hoping to will myself to sleep.

its not working.

i yawn again.

this weekend andrew will be here along with debbie and cameron. i have cleaned up the house to make it respectable and even dusted (thats for camerons sake, hes allergic to dust. then again, arent we all?) i will probably vacuum tomorrow and clean off the table i inherited from my parents. i love this table that sits in my dining room, darkly polished and gleaming and well-used. its the same table i sat at when i was five, the same one that we joked around when i was 13, the same one that caught that famous upside down pizza and heard the argument that ensued, the same one that i lit (and emily) a candle on and left unattended when i was 21. the table bears a shallow slope still from the burn; i called it character, my mother didnt. it is simple to look at, made of mahogany and from el salvador. its length easily held the bodies of the seven of us, seated around it every night at 5. i look closely and i see the small indents from pencils pressed too hard against homework - dad showing me how to figure out math - and the wear in the finish from too many clean ups after dinner. i look even closer and i see myself as i was.

perhaps its time to add a new mark.

tell me again what you mean

when you let me fall
grew my own wings
now im as tall as the sky

when you let me drown
grew gills and fins
now im as deep as the sea

when you let me die
my spirit's free
theres nothing challenging me

- light

what i see outside my window

the frogs are singing tonight, especially loud and vivacious. they live in the swampy area outside my window and sometimes i see their neighbors, the fireflies, drifting around the air above them, as if they are party lights. they blink lazily back and forth, saying hello or goodbye or i love you. and i just watch.


when the sky is well-lit by the moon, i am also out there, among the trees. i sit on the tops of the swaying branches and wait.

cowlicks can save you

i often wonder why i don't talk more. there are some people that can really ramble on and on, not really saying anything of great import or interest. its possible that i just need to learn how to be like that - a human soundbox, oblivious to my surroundings, there to create noise, and just possibly, entertain.

in the past, i have been urged to talk more, that im too private and i ought to be more open. and occasionally, i feel the urge to do that, to let a friend or a random someone know a part of me or some piece of thought that i haven't shared before. once i tried several times to say my beliefs on a matter and each time was interrupted by others around me presuming to know what i was trying to say. stupidly, i thought that i would never try to speak to that person again.

its not that i feel what i have to say is more important than what others speak... im just looking for the respect i give others when i listen to them. the first thing being that i do listen, i actually think about what that person is saying, and i appreciate that they chose to share it with me. to the boy with the cowlick, thanks for really hearing me.

now, if you just want to talk about old ladies in bikinis, i can thoughtfully ignore you.

hope you had a pleasant, nap-filled Sunday.

today, like all days

im really not sure exactly how i want to use this blog. do i post personal information, the stuff fantastic letters to my sisters are made of? or do i publish my writings, or my ramblings, as I call them, and hope that readers can make sense of them?

if i get any readers, that is.

i think i will just pretend that this a new little brown notebook, like the one that i currently idle away time with, lying on the scratchy rug in my living room. (debbie, you will be glad to know that rug has been banished) too bad there isn’t a place here for me to add those abstract sketches that i do on the margins of my paper journals. those always seem to make the page so much more complete.

next week i am visiting san diego for a cousin’s wedding and meeting up with various family members from around the country. i have several hugs waiting for my sister, melissa and her small family, comprised of one husband, nat, and one little nephew, ezra. boy will they have a hard time getting away from me. in addition to that squirmy, book-loving blondie named ezra, there’s zeph, my other nephew. hes just about 6 months old and loves to bounce. he has a terrific grip with those tiny fingers of his and a delightful little laugh. he visited with his mommy, my other sister emily and her husband chris last week. i cant say what it is that i feel whenever i see my nephews. love seems to simple of a word for the chest-tightening, eye-watering feeling that i experience. especially when i see what wonderful moms my sisters have become. how did that happen, i think to myself? was it something they have always had or does that ability come along with the baby itself? emily has this great way of teaching zeph something in most everything they do and melissa has taught ezra how to say all of our names, no small feat for a 20 month old.

*sigh*  in lots of ways my sisters are beyond me.  for me, there is not much else.
 
btw, capitals are foreboding and will not be allowed.  until next time...
 

the truth about my life and the answer to the big question

hi.