sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

i am ready to go back to work, im just having trouble deciding where i should look. part of my problem is that im thinking long-term. if i could only decide where i might want to settle down for the next few years, then i would be half-way there. as it is, my heart is torn. i love where i am now, but circumstances as they are, i cannot stay.

i will leave behind the vegetable garden that is just beginning to flourish, the herb garden so close to my kitchen, the meandering trails through the back yard...

back to a sterile, lifeless, beige apartment.

on the other hand, perhaps i will wait until all those would-be investors in the housing market have to undersell their homes and purchase one at rock bottom price. then i can create a new place of solitude.

it is so much fun spending time with zeph.

ever think of simplifying your life? lately every object i own has come under scrutiny.. do i need this? does it have any real purpose? where did i get that thing? could i sell it? could goodwill get some cash for it?

seriously though, im even giving my parents table back to them.

im also working on a will.

the power of orange knickers

its not really late, but it feels that way.
leaving for TN tomorrow, and as is my usual habit, i haven't done much packing.
the day has been mostly me on the couch reading jean-pierre hallet's experiences in the congo 50 years ago with the music blaring. if i couldnt concentrate on either, i watched the dust from the limestone roads blow by the trees...

mr. bojangles is telling me its time

bear gives me an indulgent stare.

ways to combat lethargy and overall depression:

put on every piece of costume jewelry you own at once
watch old videos of yourself
wear thick black eyeliner

a young sand hill crane with its parent
looking for bugs

bear looks infinitely guilty. puppy is intrigued by what could be upstairs.

arent these key limes just so darn cute?

ezra and his dad, nat, brave the log... this was after they stopped jumping on it.

bear has peculiar sleeping habits.

zeph says "if you love someone, set them free."

there are days and nights in florida when the air surrounding you seems to feel the exact same temperature as your insides. if you lie still, you can almost imagine that the air is an extension of your body and at your command. you do not sweat and there is no breeze. you exist, but your body, your skin, doesnt feel anything. no hair lifting to remind you where you positioned your arm, no wind cooling the nape of your neck; only you, submerged in air neither hot nor cold, like the amniotic fluid that once was your cradle.

last night was not like that. i slept with the window open; it was probably 65 degrees. i was woken abruptly from REM sleep by a screeching that sounded like a child vomiting (i know, but it was my 3 am mind that told me that). i counted seven screeches, realizing there was no child. an owl? some other bird of prey doing some nocturnal hunting? as i drifted off to sleep, i heard it again farther back on the property, still loud, but not like the first time, when my mind conjured a black-winged bird, with intelligent but cruel eyes, claws gripping my sill while it screamed its horrible language straight into my unsuspecting bedroom.

at least it woke me from my nightmare before it got too much worse.