yup yup

yay! debbies coming over tonight!

no harm, just another false alarm

'last night i dreamt that somebody loved me' - morrissey

last night i dreamt that morrissey was at the old house, looking about 20, and singing for the crowd on my rooftop. he gave me a one-armed hug and turned crooning to the audience. as far as i could tell, i was the only one there.

delaying the agony

the new date (as we all knew there would be) is january 15, 2005. oh look, thats on a saturday too.

oh yes the excedrin is kicking in...

theres this woman ive known only for a few months, but she seems to look right through me. she knows im a sham.

today is overcast and cool. i woke up to my coffee (2 excedrin) and read a little. i got the garbage ready to go - there is this totally brown soft-looking thing in the bottom corner, but at least the bag is not leaking. today promises to be a busy day, but then again there are plans to send some staff home as needed. so, busy for me no doubt, but not so much for them. *sigh*

the 1st is around the corner. should i call my manager bright and early and see what she has to say about the site closures? 'oh sorry did i wake you?' (evil grin into the receiver) 'i really was just wondering about the safety of my livelihood, i.e my JOB. do i still have one? 'cause i got a ton of stuff on my 'if i still have a job' list. thing i want to buy, man! so spill it. we've only been waiting at the edge of our seats for months now.'
i wouldnt.
would i? : ) maybe if its a drunk-dial.

andrew - whaddya think? 

break a silver lining

im anxious these days to document my life, to capture a bit of myself before the world moves on. really, im just wary of how the days turn into months and the months into years... of late, it seems to move faster than i can comprehend. i need more time to truly look at myself.

photos.
thoughts recorded.
music that floods the heart with memories.
landscape, looking as desperate or hopeful as i.

cold! i am sure that my toes will not recover. joe suggest socks and he has experience with abnormal tempuratures. the plants are all huddled together inside, looking out at the balcony with wistful expressions on their leaves. its cozy enough for me, as long as i keep moving or stay under the comforter. he cradles me with his downy arms and whispers soothing stories of days gone by in my ear, until im fast asleep.

im so sad like a good book

and i ride along side
and i rode along side
you then
and i rode along side
'til you lost me there
in the open road
and i rode along side
'til the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it

from collectibles to recollections

this morning the air is thick and heavy with moisture. occasionally, a cool breeze slips through the grey cloud cover and makes it way through my window. that was really what got me up - not the fact that i have to work today, or the chiro appt that i have before work. it felt like a fever; hot and damp and then cool and shivering.

i have a feeling it will soon break and the rain will come.

i have started to go through my things and determine what i should sell, donate or simply get rid of. i thoroughly believe that one woman's trash (or clutter that needs to be gone) is another woman or man's glorious find (or something they could tolerate having in their own collection). cds are stacked up, movies and even some books. if i list some items here, perhaps one or two of them will be something you would like to have. for those that i know, i would love to give it to you.

but, as for the collection of 'little rascal' episodes on vhs - those i will be keeping. in fact, as i write this, it hits me that i dreamt about lisa last night. she had that sparkle in her eye like she always did but her body was how i remembered it, ravaged by a disease called cancer. melissa, ezra was also there and lisa met him, talked to him and im sure made a comment about how much he resembles you. she may have even told the story about how you got lost on the beach that one summer day and how frantic she was to find you. and that ezra had better learn from his mother's experience; said with a smile and that laugh that we all loved and distinguished her from all others.

i dont really think she said all that in my dream, but she was there. my mind made up the rest and right now, my lucidity tells me that she would have said those things had she lived to see ezra. lisa is gone for now, asleep in death, but she would have loved to meet your son. i hope one day she will - in the world that is yet to come.

oh, can i not grasp.. can i not save?

i dreamt of an old man, one who looked about 70 and had a mean cough. we danced and laughed and i fell in love with him. before the dream was even over, i felt his loss.

i dreamt i was pregnant, with a round smooth belly. emily was too and we were shopping. when i woke, it came to me that 9 months doesn't nearly seem enough - when the time comes, do you want both to delay and welcome it?

life without fraud could be rewarding

there are certain songs that you should not play unless you are willing to succumb to them and the emotions they evoke. giddy, morose, introspective.

i choose zak and sara. instead, i will remember pulling over to watch the fireworks.

i have decided that if my job is eliminated, i will put all my things in storage (surely, i can afford 60$ a month) and say goodbye to my apartment. the closet with all the posters will have to be slowly dismantled. the books will be packed away to become the unavoidably heavy boxes. the pictures picked out so carefully stashed away, hiding the faces i love.

i will leave.

the romance of the idea! i will drive into the sunset, wave to the neighbors out with their dogs and take to the road. em, prepare the spare room and melissa, throw some blankets on the extra bed. debbie, make the bunk bed; i prefer the top. the next knock at your door might be me.