let down

one day i am going to grow wings
a chemical reaction
hysterical and useless

thunder woke me up again in the early hours of the morning.
no run for me.
took some time to talk to the andrews in my life.
one is moving out and the other is happy most of the time.
i have a picture of legolas next to my nephews on my cubicle wall.
i stare at it when im bored.
im staring pretty hard right now.

in the end, it doesnt even matter

184 in attendance tonight. the senior center was never quite so packed.

i just got back from a run/walk. i kept a careful eye out for gators and any other odd shapes in the bushes. just me and blur and postal service for 20 minutes. i know when i leave this place ill wish i had done more walking at night.

ill wish i had done more.

whats this? blogging on a wednesday?

i knew there was a reason why i didnt do it - not much to say.

you look so tired and happy...

too many i's in this blog lately...

really got into packing today, still cant believe theres this much stuff, no matter how much its consolidated.

bought a 2 liter of coke today.. something fishy there.

planning for a yard sale, here at the apartment complex, hope deb and mom both make it up for the big day. something fishy with deb, too.

cant believe the things i would give away, just to be whole again.

Fitter Happier

fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that's driven into frozen winter sh**
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

http://applevalleyorchard.com/

this place is out of cleveland, TN. yummm apple pies!

creme filled center

i have some good news! the eye-twitching has stopped! (i gave this tremendous news only one sentence, but for those of you that are close to me, you will realize the significance.)

my stomach is growling. boiled egg or a cadbury egg? (im a sucker for at least one of those this time of year.) im doing my best to be productive today even though im not home. ive already sanded down 4 chairs in preparation for varnishing. i do have so much more energy on the days im not at work. well, a different sort of energy.

as i sanded, my mind wandered. i realized it was just a month ago that we were in TN, all of us, and how rare that was. my favorite few hours that week; my 3 sisters and brother, all in the hot tub, talking about our lives, questioning the other, listening and learning a little more about each other. talking about mom and dad and how things will be when they are older, where would they live? (personally, i hope to be in a place to have them live with me, did i mention that?) the conversation ranged from our jobs, our homes, our friends... i sometimes listened more than speaking. today, as i sanded, i thought about my sisters and wondered, now that we are grown, if there are any jealousies between us. i have to admit, i feel jealousy - but not begrudgingly. does that make sense? i see each of their small families and in some way, desire aspects of their lives. melissa, with her terrific job and seemingly unwavering confidence in herself. emily and her ability to speak her mind and overwelmingly generous spirit. debbie, with her easy-going nature and her intelligence. andrew and his sense of humor and listening ability. and then there are the nephews; i replay over and over in my mind the sweet little smile zeph gave me as he was in his carseat, ready to go home. i smile as i remember ezra dancing around my room at the cabin, insisting he didnt want to sing or learn a song, only to hear him sing it hours later, nearly perfectly. these arent my children! but they melt my heart every single time.

and so i find, its not really jealousy. its just longing.

photo 2. these two photos were taken in 2000 and completely without my knowledge. brit andrew sent them to me the other night. kinda odd to see yourself as you were, unaware of being photographed. i miss crosswords with debbie.

photo 1 in evidence. 

and im doing just fine!

i have made a heartening discovery! online at diana gabaldon's website, one can read exerpts from her upcoming books. so in the hours to come, i will use those small tidbits as motivation - work a little, read a little. i think this plan will work, at least for tonight.

this weekend will most likely be full of packing, even though i still hesitate to pack away those pieces that make my apartment my apartment. the bare walls loom over me when im there alone regarding the ceiling, like i did during those first days of moving in.

for dinner, i have a lovely spinach lasagna planned.

manny is laughing - i think he is waiting for me to ask just what is so funny, but lack of interest keeps me typing. wait, hes going to tell me anyway. great. i dont have time for nonsense, exerpts are waiting. sheesh.

work a little, read a little, blog a little.

today i went to a class about resume writing.

i threw my words to the wind. not one came back to me.

i was thinking about the tori show. thanks be to andrew for the cd! and he even got me doves' new cd.

true love waits

'...and wash your swollen feet

just.. dont leave
dont leave

im not living.
im just killing time.'

this song, in a parking lot, 5 years ago.

among other things...

still thinking about those diamond earrings...

sometimes i feel bipolar.

today is amazing. its friday at 16:00 and i have time to post a blog.

im at a complete loss for words.

i could talk about how joe is coming to fl but refuses to come by and see me.
i could talk about how i am having a hard time packing my place because i want it to feel like home for a little bit longer.
i could talk about how i wish i could have travelled for work, too.
i could mention that ive listened to the 'killers' cd about five times today.
i could bring up the fact that im wearing cameron's old shoes, the black and white a.d.i.d.a.s.

plus, i imagine im jennifer garner everytime i watch alias.

maybe next week

'i truly am a social degenerate'... i thought to myself on the drive home tonight.
dont look at me like that when i say i cant! i make my own rules!
but the fact is, i could have.
i have a late night on fridays?! uhm, right now its thursday evening. even standing there in the rain, i could see a bit of disbelief on his face. still, it was nice to be thought of, even if i was unable to accept.

because, you know, of the degeneracy.

on the menu..

ive decided to cook today. make a few dishes to last me for the week and keep me from getting my old stand-by from the cafe (grilled cheese sandwich).

first, i shredded the remaining good carrots. those will be frozen for a future carrot cake. you can freeze them, right?

now im defrosting chicken. half of it will go in a curry (wait, do i have coconut milk?) and the other half will be made from melissas chicken recipe. (i came home with the leftover bread crumbs.)

i am going to make some banana bread too. but ill wait on that a bit.

so, get on with it, you say. and i shall.

a conversation with debbie

deb - (sighing with exasperation) 'but i feel like i have a mullet.'
steph - 'you mean, with your hair.. or just ... in general.'
deb - (laughing) 'yeah, i have a mullet of the soul.'

wilde is on mine.

"a dreaded sunny day, so i'll meet you at the cemetery gates."

what to do, what to do. i had planned on cleaning out the storage room, but i haven't decided if i really want to tackle that job today. it will involve some recycling. perhaps if i take it one step at a time.

"a dreaded sunny day, so let's go where we're happy."

i also have to shred some carrots and make some lunch for tomorrow. the fridge could also use a cleaning. thank you andrew again - the food processor is excellent. :)

"with loves and hates and passions just like mine; they were born and then they lived and then they died."