i miss the way posts used to come so easy to me. right now, im waiting for my tomato sauce to thicken and my pizza dough to rise. its nearly sundown, a time which i love and doesn't seem to last long enough. today was a little more productive than recent days, and im feeling slightly happier at having a little taste of news about our petition to bring andrew here. slightly happier, yes, but still agonizing over this wait.

its amazing what you can learn from old diaries. i went to the loft in search of a notebook in which i could organize all this immigration stuff that is looming over my head and instead i found the bin holding my old journals. lets just say i had a key to important abbrieviations like: HD = hot dogs, es = legs, and TGIF = well, we all know that one.

this diary began when i was 11 and you could tell i wasn't always keen to write an entry. the entire months of May and June were "the same". i also had a best friend who i wrote about a lot, periodically loving and hating her.

there is one last entry with my handwriting looking slightly more grown up, telling of my upcoming entry to high school and the beginning of my time with braces. i imagine things only got better from that point.

okay, okay, so i couldnt just leave it like that. his name is andrew and he lives in london at the moment. we have been engaged now for, let's see, 6 months and we are currently going to through the immigration process. by process i mean we have submitted loads of forms for andrew to come here and marry me, and now we are waiting to get approval for the the next step.

be prepared to hear a lot about that.

something new

this isn't exactly how i envisioned my home office area: a slightly larger than average side table functioning as a desk, the backside of my PC tower as close to the window as possible and a directors chair as my place to sit. but, still i find it very nice and satisfying. if i feel comfortable, indeed, motivated to blog, then i think this little set up will work out quite nicely.

its been awhile, i know. and i'm thinking, most likely, there will not be any readers for this post. chris long ago gave up checking this blog at work when bored, and andrew, although he insists he checks it everyday, probably doesn't.

okay, he probably does. i could hear him protesting in my mind.

i've often wondered why i had given up posting for so long. i still compose thoughts into blogs in my mind, little things here and there that i find interesting. in a way, i think i lost my muse when i moved. the house, the cats (together anyway), the birds, the town. all those things made up most of my posts over the last 2 years. i just don't see that same character here. plus, i'm realizing now as i sit in my quiet apartment, being alone helps. bear doesn't count as company, in this instance.

then i suppose, i am busier here. family to see and be with, helping my parents with things, just over all, more involved. in m-town, i was content not to be seen by others much, happy to be at home, cooking, baking, working in the yard...

today, however, there is a change in the air. it is not the same place, to be sure. but i can hear the birds, even if i cant see them. i can sit here with a cup of coffee and enjoy the breeze, not on the porch, but with all the windows open in my new apartment. and now, i have something to write about again.

i'm getting married, and to an englishman, to boot!

i love the feel of garlic cloves in my hand. i love the sight of rain clouds above my head and the feel of the wind picking and clutching my hair. i love the scent of food cooking, and knowing what i did to create it. i love the sound of my nephew laughing in wild abandon and realizing i am, too.

i love that my heart no longer feels hollow and there is no fear.

the scent from the bath salts (i dont know what it is, but its pleasant enough) assails me each time i walk near the bathroom, even though its been nearly 20 minutes since the last of the bathwater has gone down the drain.

bear had to check out the water - maybe because it was aqua green, or perhaps because it had been awhile since he last explored the mysterious ways of bathwater. i looked at him over the edge of my book as he dipped a paw in the water, batting at it as if a fish was waiting for him under the surface. he sniffed in my direction and went in search of his food dish. i feel sorry for him; a cat consigned to exploring the mundane things of apartment life.

it is so windy out. i expect it to rain, even eyeing the rainclouds in the distance to see when it might arrive, but instead the wind just blows and blows. i watch the trees whipping back and forth.

it puts me in mind of the upcoming hurricane season. mom and i discuss getting a hurricane supply kit together and wonder if the weather radios are still available at the local publix. i should add some things to the kit for bear. if he were to make his own kit it would comprise of the following:

several bags of chicken and cheese whiska lickin cat treats
normal cat food
bit of leather strap for chewing
a few ponytail holders (he attacks these as prey)
a small blanket for hiding under

maybe he would finally use that cat carrier i spent so much on, but it doesnt seem likely.

tales from the kitchen

such an unusual day for may here in florida; low humidity and a refreshing breeze.

i had the apartment to myself and had already selected a recipe i wanted to try on the pork chops in the fridge. bear sensed the freedom of the afternoon and had free-reign of the place so he was happy, too - face nosing into tight corners and shelves he normally wouldn't, always sniffing, hopping on top of tables he shouldn't (im sure he went into the forbidden room but i did not catch him at it)... one time i looked up in the middle of my preparations to see him on top of the refrigerator (of course i shooed him down) and another time, he mewed at me from the dining area, looking like he had grown old all of a sudden, since dust clung to his chin and whiskers.

all in all, it was a really enjoyable afternoon. i did have to improvise in my cooking; we were out of eggs and i needed 2 for the dredging. but, we had plenty of mayo, which is essentially egg and it worked. i find its hard to really mess up in cooking, however, i do rush too much sometimes which causes me to leave out ingredients occasionally.

honestly, i find cooking and/or baking (since when i really get going in the kitchen, im apt to be doing both) to be the most relaxing way to pass the time. it doesn't have to be eaten today; whether its going in the freezer, or made for a snack in the next few days, it doesn't matter. the simple act of preparing food eases my mind and puts me in a good mood.

of course, i do try to pour myself a glass of wine when its available. as nigella says, its a cook's treat. i think shes referring to sampling the food you are preparing, but wine should also fall into this category.

i would love to have a huge open kitchen, with several spaces for working. this would allow family and friends to join in the preparations, without stepping on each others toes. there would be a window with herbs that bear would not chew (in a perfect world) except, perhaps, catnip. that would be all his. (there aren't any recipes with catnip in it, are there?) i don't need many appliances, what i have will suffice. although i have longed for a kitchen aide stand mixer, i still can't justify its high price, nor do i have the room for it to be on my counter.

actually, its not even my counter. so, id simply settle for my own kitchen, small or otherwise.

and maybe andrew's too, when he is in the mood for making me pancakes.

worried? maybe.

i know how you feel, bear.

im a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart

its strange to be out here, living in this place. i closed my eyes the other day and imagined i was back at my old home, lying in my old bed. i heard the wind blowing through the cedars and felt the heat of the summer outside pressing against the wooden frame, trying to warm the coolness that the shade provided. the stillness was immense there, seeming to even muffle the sound of the birds twittering.

that was every day last summer.