your eyes tell the story

i wouldnt ask this of you
good eye, sniper

i once read a book about a lebanese woman who fell in love with a sniper.

he gunned her down in the last paragraphs, as she was leaving him. i am still not sure if he meant to do this. it was raining.

i finished it the day i turned 21 and em and i made martinis.

i threw the book against the wall.

just like old times, really i mean it

i woke up feeling pretty industrious today, cleaning the fish tank again (will someone please tell me where that brown stuff is coming from!) and moving the plants to the balcony again (this time they were cleaning the tiles on the roof.) but now, as the day is winding down and i still have 1 hour left of work, i feel my energy slipping away.

im wanting a beer right now.

i talked to greg tonight for a bit. hes doing well, very happy with his family and thinks the world of his daughter, hayley. we talked about high school and he said he knows he was really annoying back then; i laughed because i remember how things were those few years and the rules we made for the lunch table, specifically with greg in mind. rules like no burping at the table or talking about gross things had strict punishments, like leaving the table for a week. i cant say we ever enforced them, but we kept a scorecard, one mark per violation of a rule. he says that hes mellowed over the years and that he if he picked one person that he could transplant up to ny, it would be me. i said it was nice to be looked up and maybe i would see him on my usa trip later this year.

tomorrow im going to see a house that kristian is looking at, one he is thinking about buying. its an old house, built in 1926. it looks charming from the outside, but from what i hear, there are some major issues that will have to be fixed if he were to purchase it. the wiring will have to be redone (good thing his dad is an electrician) and there is no insulation in the house at all. apparently, it has been in the same family for years and was either sold or given away, back and forth among members of the family. the value of the home is significantly lower than the asking price, but with a good appraisal and a bit more info from his agent (a sister in his hall) he will probably make an offer soon. there is a huge amount of property and it could be easily split into another lot that could be sold, or in my opinion, made into a large garden where one could grow vegetables and herbs. theres also enough room for a few dogs and cats to roam, and kids to run, playing hide and seek.

but it will not be my home.

don't leave me high

when i got home, there was a message on my machine from my cousin greg. the first thing i thought was how grown up he sounded; ironic, since he is older than i am. the second thing i thought was how nice it was to be "looked up". tomorrow i plan to give him a call. ill let you know if he's the same good ol' crazy greg.

interesting that i get that call from greg, when just yesterday i was looking through the cardboard box labeled 'stephanies letters - do not read'. i didnt get caught up in reading too many of them, since i knew i would not accomplish what i needed to do, which was pare them down a bit and then put them into a storage container less likely to allow bugs while in storage.

but i couldnt helping looking at a few, and today, they are still on my mind.
letters from brian, giving me advice about how to feel happier in life and how he enjoyed his first concert, scorpians.
letters from kim, as she travelled all over the states with her grandparents, with tidbits of gossip strewn throughout - always ending with LILACS or BFF.
letters from melissa, written on work stationery; one was only a week or so after she moved out, it was no doubt meant to reassure me, but only made me miss her more. another that wrote about a sad night she was having, another full of witty remarks, while another helped me get a raise from my job while commenting on my english short story.
letters from emily, telling me she loved me, in her fast, hurried script. notes handed between classes, notes passed at the meetings (hehe). notes with questions about others, and who was coming over this weekend?
letters from deb, a graduation card she made with her own drawings. a letter she wrote to me when i was in CA, saying she missed me, her print fastidious and proper, and always a little drawing to the side. (some things never change)
even a note or two from andrew. i am sorry but his are sort of hard to read. something about ninj turturs. hehe
several from him, full of lies.
two from him, telling me he wished we had talked about what happened that summer.
a postcard and a letter from him, making me feel nostalgic for what never existed.

and then, with exasperation, i closed the lid.

no. 2

today is like any other day. im sitting a lot, drinking my one cup of coffee and then searching my desk for something that looks interesting and can occupy my time while i zone out for an hour.

pencils are pretty amazing inventions, arent they?

isnt it magnificent? 

(books not included) 

when life gives you lemons, you have some options in how you could use them

theres been a lot on my mind and i havent had the chance to unload some of it on these pages. i feel i have exhausted the topic of my job elimination (i cringe to even write those words) and so this will be the last post to speak of it. i am considering a few options; if you would like, continue reading below. if not, ill understand.
option 1 (most appealing): place all my stuff in storage and take a road trip for a month or two. (why leave off what happens after the trip? because it seems right to do it - endless possibilities)
option 2 (very unsure about timeframes): renew my lease one last time, for only 6 months. stay here through septemberish and hope to find another job with a comparable salary.
option 3 (realistic? i think not): buy a house now, while i have a job. for some reason, the thought of having a house makes me feel more secure. its probably because i still do not grasp how much money they truly cost.
option 4 (nearly forgot this one, hmm): try to secure a job within the company at the brandon site or orlando site. i would have to relocate obviously, stay with parents for a bit or get my own place? room with andrew? (his job is close to where the orlando site is) this option would move significantly higher on my list if my manager were to accept the offer she has to go there, and i, uhm, could work for her still. crazy, but shes that good.
option 5 (now im really stretching): make a living selling stuff on ebay and get a parttime job at a nursery and/or take the grant provided by the bank and learn a new trade.
option 6 (most likely to happen): become homeless and sit outside the 711 across from the chase site, just waiting for card to reopen so i can be the first in line.

do i really love my job that much, you ask? thats really a loaded question. i love those that i work with and it saddens me to think that soon we will have to separate. i love those satisfying moments at work, the times we catch the fraud, or one of my staff gets promoted, or even just the normal day to day interaction with my team, knowing that i have helped them in one way or another. i am objective about my job; there are really a lot of times i want to walk out the door or feel like im drained of everything and still, they want more and more. there are those not so fun, uhm, terminations. there are those moments when i feel ive failed and let others down. oh, and i would love to glance at the clock and not jerk if its close to the half hour.

really though, i wanted to be the one to say good bye if it came to that.

you can always ask me if you have questions about my options. this site will go back to its normal, wordy peregrinations - no more talk of severance, unemployment or the like. although, you can be sure it will be on my mind.

why does it always rain on me?

not a good night to be listening to travis.

and then tampa was no more...

i feel a little worried, a little queasy.

an old life..

why is it hard to pick up again with old friends, ones you perhaps have not seen in years? i dont think i ever meant to stop the friendship and well, is it really one person's fault if it does? what is the point of "catching up"? is it to hang out again, to talk again on the phone? or does it sooth us in some way to know we reached out, even if its just a few emails or phone calls?

i guess its hard for me to reacquaint myself with a person who's been close by all along and didnt stay in contact. im not saying i really cared either, or i would have been the one making the phone calls or visits. i know people do grow apart. and i know we cant have an in-depth relationship with each person who's sparked something within us.

what i would like is to go past those old relationships, into something new. to see if that person is really the same way my memories recall, or maybe even a better one. perhaps giving new life to an old friendship is not anything of which to be afraid.

as for me, know me for who i am now. its the only true thing; forget the recollections.

the thugs broke your legs

i have an overwelming need to write, but not type. i have sharpened pencils, found cap erasers and straightened stacks of clean white paper for the last half hour. something about stationery really gets me ... going.
i go between the pencils and pens to the stylus and dope.

blog question

purely technical question: how do i add side boxes for additional comments in my blog?
see this blog for an example: http://damomma.blogspot.com/

seasons may change, winter to spring

decisions were made for me today.

twittering..

its a cool overcast morning today and im home, just thinking about the day to come.
i would love to just stay home and take pictures of all the creatures on hillys.
i dreamt about ezra. ive been working on this puzzle. i got a new tree. next month i will be in a cabin with my family.
i have a difficult decision to make today at work.
it sounds like i have new birds in the trees. i think ill visit them on my way out.

see you soon, deb

what a great weekend! deb even helped me get those picture frames up, just like i wanted. we saw an interesting movie, had our favorite meal and had a good walk around the neighborhood park. she is much better than i with crossword puzzles.

my apartment seems to have faded.