if you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you see devils tearing your life away.

but, if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

"out, out, brief candle!
life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
that struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard no more. it is a tale
told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing."

Macbeth

a body farm in iowa!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10246410

plastic castles

i wish i was a goldfish.

you say the coast is clear, but you say that all the time

i cant help but wonder where this sudden urge to organize is coming from. i tell myself its good to do, especially in order to make moving easier and give myself more room to move about in my closet. ive dug out old shoeboxes stuffed with junk and even the wooden crate from the top shelf, the one full of toys. usually, i look through everything, reminiscing and then end up placing it all back in its compartments and putting it away until the next time. i'm ruthless this time, however, and i've been throwing out things left and right. one pile for goodwill, one for the trash, one for so-and-so...

there is no joy in this.

i found a box of photos in the spare rooms closet. i grabbed it, wondering how i had missed such a big box when organizing the rest into photo albums. after the first picture, though, i realized they weren't my photos.

perhaps it was looking through those photos that put me in a melancholy mood. but looking at the frames i filled, with old family and friends, sadness still overtakes me.

i suppose admitting it is a good first step - i am a stationery junkie. i have every office supply item you could think of and more note cards than i care to admit, spanning the decades (and styles) since i have been able to write. i once had more pen-pals than you could shake a stick at and with twenty plus cousins on both sides of my family, no lack of persons to write to. though i still sit down and compose letters by hand, i simply cannot send enough letters to diminish my stock of stationery paper, note cards and decorative envelopes. i merely get a bigger box in which to hold them. momentary memory lapses increase my chances of buying a new carton of cards whenever i happen to see them at the store.

then there is the matter of other products found generally in the workplace. of course, leaving my job like i did, with the go ahead to take whatever your heart desired in the way of staplers, report covers and hole punches, was really like offering a crack addict more crack*. (hey, but maybe this would be the last time i needed a fix. maybe i would feel so good about what i accomplished with these office supplies that i could kick the habit. not likely.)

so please let me know if you need a certain item for a school or home project you are working on. i most likely have it.

*this is a general statement about the effects of addiction. i do not proclaim to know what it is like to be addicted to crack.

so, theres this book that i have been reading. its a slower read, since its a sociological history of florida (interesting, but not enough for me to zip through it). i checked it out previously at the hillsborough library and then again through kristian's library card here in hernando county. i planned to renew it before my trip to iowa, but strangely when i looked online, the library has no record of the book on kristian's record.

its as if it never existed.

steph is great

i distinctly recognize mike's laugh on the short film i just found on the camera. me and a gutter ball. of course, he would be recording the one time i do badly. hehe

is it going to rain today? despite my best efforts, i slept in this morning, only getting up when bear harrassed me enough with his cold nose and ticklish whiskers. it seems overcast and muggy, but still the birds are out, chirping and looking for food, while enthralling puppy at the same time, who's watching from the window sill.

i do have a small list of things to do today, but i only want to sleep.

i also have a few hats hanging here

do all of my posts have to have meaning?
***
bear is sitting in a cardboard box of old memories i left on the couch, sleeping contentedly. i decided to look through the box, still packed tightly 6 months after moving in, when i discovered it in my newly re-arranged closet. even though the practical side of my brain told me not to worry about unpacking it, since i will most likely be moving again within a few months, i couldnt resist a look. turns out, there is a lot of junk in this box - stuff i filed that ill never need (and truly, is not really filed since its not in a filing cabinet), a few reams of printer paper for the printer that i do NOT own, and several large envelopes filled with various sentimental items ive saved over the years. there was some merit in going through this hodgepodge, however. i found some pictures of my first trip to norway that made me laugh. deb and thomas trying hard to look tough but mostly coming off emotional, the 4 pictures the photo booth took of the four of us - where were we? germany? i cant tell, the clothes were mostly the same, regardless of where we were - and the pic of me, hair soaked (the little bit i had back then), just pulling my head out of the icy stream filip told me would be refreshing. refreshing, indeed.
***
i am having that same feeling again, glad to be home, but sad to be alone.

this morning the four of us lingered over coffee and tofu scramble (don't ask) and talked about my trip and andrew's apartment hunt. he had marked important locations on google earth - the kingdom hall, work and whole foods (his one-stop, albeit expensive, shopping). he plans to purchase a bike and cycle to work. im excited for him; i remember how it was to search for an apartment and even more how it felt to be leaving the house for the first time. i cant help but feel a tinge of worry for him, though, and do my best to suppress my concerns. he is, afterall, nearly 22 years old, just about the exact age i was when i left home. mike said over subway this past week that moving out on your own is one of the best things you can do for yourself and i have to agree with him. still, i worry. maybe i should move to winter park too, to keep an eye on him. hehe.

in a bit, i'll be meeting kristian at ft. wilderness. i think he brought his moped, but more than likely, i'll be walking in to find the campsite (though he said its far from the entrance, i feel i could use the walking after sitting in various forms of transportation for hours on end yesterday). i hear there are a lot of jws from the old gang there this year, and my parents are helping one couple get into disney tomorrow, along with their little girl. i havent kept in touch at all with these witnesses, seeing them only every few years at the summer conventions. its not really out of spite, just for lack of ... friendship? kinship? i dont really feel like i truly knew any of them. i just hope i dont run into my childhood best friend. that would be more than i could stand.

i am home! the weather is barely 70 degrees and im back to a familar bed.

the artic breezes in TN are nothing compared to what i have experienced in the last 2 days here in IA. it warmed up today and the snow on the deck melted enough for me to walk without much apprehension (though i still dig in my treadless shoes just in case). the bushes by the front deck are frosted with snow, enough to look like little cupcakes and everywhere the cornfields are covered with white, with only a little bit of green showing through.

im having a great time, really. as far as details, i think i should wait on that; there are major changes from one day to the next.

going to read now

do something that frightens you just a bit

almost packed. i have a perpetual suitcase these days.
thomas wrote. its good to hear his voice, even if its in my head.
my carry-on is heavy because of 'breath of snow and ash'. i cant help it. for some reason, i believe ill be okay no matter where i am as long as i have a book with me. i suppose i dont mean just any book. afterall, this is claire and jamie.

what does it mean when the tip of your nose tingles?

i have lost my sense of time. miraculously, and without any electronic aid, i woke up at 7 am this morning. when i judged the light while snuggling in the comforter, i thought it to be around 8 am, which i guess is a pretty good guess, since we just ended daylight savings time. even though i have over 2 hours until i meet for service, its good that i am up now. tomorrow is the first day of our 2 day yard sale and i will have to be up and have a cup of coffee in me by this time. whenever im up before eight since work ended, i have a strange feeling that i should be getting ready to go somewhere. granted, ive only been up this early, say 4 times since i was severanced. you could say sleeping in helps me avoid strange feelings.

puppy's other eye was bothering her yesterday and now its looking a little clouded. she seems okay, eating with her usual gusto and following me in the bathroom to rub her hellos on my legs. but im worried; last week it was her other eye that was bothering her. if its an infection, it must not have completely gone away and has passed to her other eye. from what ive read, there is not a whole lot you can do for severe eye trouble in a cat, at least severe enough to cause cloudiness. deb's kitten had trauma to its eye and though hes tremendously improved, his eye will probably never be the same.

this afternoon im hitching a ride down to tampa for a hair appointment. will i have hair when i return? stay tuned to find out.

when a headache makes you take caffeine-loaded excedrin at 10 pm, something is wrong. so here i am, looking at this blog that ive mostly ignored for the last few months, and thinking perhaps its time to shut down for good. the blog, i mean. as for me shutting down, well, that will come in due time.
***
i wish i had brought 'a breath of snow and ash', the latest installment in diana gabaldon's totally absorbing series. but noooo, i had to leave it on my shelf, tempting me from afar, until i finished this other book i'd been working on. not sure why i didnt put the 100 page rule into play on that one; i really lost desire to read it after the first few chapters. and now im stuck with a lingering headache and a wired and restless body - and no book. plus, im in orlando, thus the difficulty in retrieving it.
***
ive come to realize that my life is a dead-end these days. i serve no meaningful purpose.
***
i know a cat named jack, who has one of his back legs permanently out of socket. he was taken in by a friend when she found him mewing outside her office; such a sad little kitten. she offered him to me, but at the time, i was an apartment dweller and could not accept. hes grown now, still walks funny, but can hop and jump as well as the other cat in his house. i think that cat is special. however, i now have a cat of my own, named bear (lion might have been a more apt name, since he walks around like hes king of the jungle that is my living room). im amazed that i havent posted pictures of them (i also foster another cat, puppy) yet. remind me to do so when i return home (yes, i can tell you are eagerly awaiting them!) bear is absolutely the most loving cat i have ever owned, and trust me, over the years growing up, we have had plenty of cats - how many was it, deb? but bear wasnt always that way. when my co-worker brought him to me, his kids had named him "hissy-fits" because he (obviously) hissed and spat whenever someone tried to touch him. i despaired that first week, because nothing i tried would warm him up to me, no tactics could abate his anger at being swept out from under the brush, the last one of his brood to be rescued (or captured, as he might see it). after 3 or 4 days of living with him, he tried to approach me on the couch; curiosity was something he rarely showed unless he was trying to swat at you. i probably recoiled a bit and i definitely remember putting the small pillow (a huge obstacle for a tiny kitten) in between him and me, regarding him with more than a little apprehension. was he trying to get close in order to bite me? here he was trying to make contact, and i was afraid him, afraid of this half-pound, black and fuzzy furball. nevertheless, deb made a breakthrough with him and ever since, he has been the ultimate lap kitty. he actually cuddles. if hes not close enough, he will lean, lay, drape or squeeze through small spaces to do so. and so i love my cat bear. and i believe hes in love with me, too. at least, thats what he tells me.
***
aha! ill put on some old little rascals. i mean, the gang with wheezer and stymie. bad sign to have a headache this late, even worse sign to want to fall asleep to the tv.

back home. unpacking has become my doom.