sigh

its funny, i just have to laugh at myself. when did i become so afraid? im in a new place and having trouble feeling at home. i sleep lightly. i stare at shadows like im a little kid, trying to make out a monster in the dark.

mainly, its the lack of good sleep thats getting to me. if i wasnt so tired, i really would laugh.

im too tired to blog.

i had a nice dream last night.
im using the antique bed that we found upstairs.
it creaks a little when i move, but its sturdy and pretty.
i didnt hear a mouse last night either, so the box could come off the air vent.
what was that elusive, lingering feeling that was in my dream? is that only something my subconscious can experience? because i dont think ive ever felt it while awake. cruel cognizance.

sigh sigh sigh

bear is warming up to me like crazy and that makes me feel great. my parents came over for the day on saturday and andrew too! deb was over for the weekend and it was a lot of fun - we did 'deb and steph' sort things. and some work. 4 days of fun! it was great.

i credit her with the "great bear warm up".

today work is getting to me (and to everyone else, by the looks of things.) nothing i do is right or motivated by the same instincts as before. apathy is setting in everywhere i look and we still have roughly three months to go.

i just keep nice thoughts in the front of my mind: 2 cute kittens waiting for me at home, a new video game, a plant that is ready to be potted.

BUM meetings.. ha ha

i went to the most enlightening business update meeting yesterday, and when i wasnt nodding off or trying to sneak a few paragraphs in my book, i was taking notes. there were several important items that i took away from that hour and a half.

*"it's all about execution!" then, "it's all about growth!"
*apparently, as part of that growth, one senior executive was heard to say 'this company wants to penetrate customers'. nice.
*a life lesson learned at this meeting! its not good to wait for anything. another top-ranking officer of the bank let us know he hates to wait in line and commented on the apparent stupidity of people that use checks. where do they come up with this stuff?
*finally, a big thank you for all of our hard work throughout the quarter and how much they are looking forward to next quarter.

what, no goodbyes to your collegues in tampa?

yes, i am still talking about it.

perhaps the most exaggerated 'identifying' ive heard in recent years was when i mentioned to someone how amazing it was that a French stuntman walked a tightrope between the twin towers back in the seventies. 'oh yeah, i worked on the twin towers (in the basement) and went up pretty high when i had to examine the electrical work (only 15 stories after it was complete).'
parentheses mine.

my thoughts on communication

is this job even important? does it really mean that much? should i be keenly concerned about my livelihood and how i will support myself once the severance is over or is it likely that i will find a job with comparable pay within 4 months? though this happens to many people each year, is it still a sad event for those going through it right now?

if you answered yes to any of those questions, you and i are on the same line of thought. so why is it that, outside my family, maybe only one or two people have actually expressed some sympathy for my situation? its not that i want gushing condolences, just a few words. heres a few examples of what would be nice to hear.

'im sorry to hear that. what are your plans?'
'wow, thats too bad!'
'oh no! thats terrible! how long did you work there?'

asking questions shows the one you are conversing with that you are concerned about them. to emphasize even more that you are listening to them and seeing their point of view, you could even rephrase their answer.

'oohhh, you worked there five years and they are letting you go??'
'okay, so let me get this straight, they are closing the site which eliminates nearly 2000 employees??'
'so your last day is at the end of july? that must be tough to think about.'

one listening block that is a sure way to push your conversation partner aside is by doing whats called 'identifying'. this means you take my situation or problem and tell me about a time that you went through or heard of something similar. here is what you should avoid in this regard:

'oh, you lost your job? yeah i remember that at capital one they didnt give any notice, be thankful that didnt happen to you.'
'yeah, i was laid off like that before. and guess what package i got? nothing! at least you are getting some money.'
'thats nothing! my husband was laid off after 15 years of service!'

statements like that, though they seem to be empathetic, are actually putting my situation on the backburner. instead of really listening, your mind is racing ahead to find a chance to jump in with a story of your own. that doesnt make me feel valued.

wont you please step into the Awareness Circle with me?

just a fast update since the new place does not have the net yet.

the house is coming along, im nearly unpacked.
the kittens are doing okay, except for bear, who is hissing a lot.
i didnt go to my cousins wedding.
i have yet to sleep at my place since my bed is covered with things.
today im making granola.