and so the end is nigh.

my apartment looks like the day i first moved in. i find myself counting down the time until im gone... two nights looking at the stars, one more meeting, two more showers, one more nighttime walk...

in my dream, i was sobbing and i could not catch my breath. my dad had thrown a grenade at the old arcadia house because my company (in that weird way dreams connect) had made him. in my dream, i had lost my childhood home. in the waking world, i was losing another sort of home.

and so the breakdown i was doing so well in avoiding has come full swing. im grumpy, easily annoyed and very anti-social. im skipping out on a wedding this weekend because i dont want to pretend to be happy. im content playing sims all day.. and i mean all day. i read a lot and get emotionally attached to the characters in my stories. i talk to myself and sniffle occasionally; more often though, its more than a sniffle. i snap at people, i dont have any good jokes and i avoid or dont return peoples phone calls or emails.

im on the balcony, looking down.