what does one do, exactly, on a day like that?
i had a last minute desire to get out and walk (last minute because it was about 45 minutes until sunset) even though i had not planned on it. lately, its really made me smile; i'm sure it has something to do with the fact that i now do part of my walk backwards, or sideways, as the mood takes me. it makes me grin everytime - i can just see the old lady who is always impatient for her mail to arrive, looking at me out of her window and shaking her head at my foolishness. of course, the view from her place to the road is very much obscured by trees and vines, but it makes me laugh all the same.
i dont think i laugh enough.
i opened a bottle of wine, had a long bath and read the one beauty magazine that im allowed each month. then i spent an hour or two reclined on my bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the little noises bear makes when hes sleeping.
i fell asleep early, only to awake from a nightmare. in it, i had done something terribly wrong and i knew i had to make it right, but as dreams like this go, it was impossible to fix. i woke still believing i had screwed up yet again, worry clutching my heart.
i cant say the worry hasn't always been there, a part of my heart for years, but this feeling was acute, even cutting. and i had felt my mind trying to even wake me up, telling me this was only a dream, but still the nightmare fought back and reasserted control.
leaving me with a sob, pressing at my throat, only waiting to be let out.
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